Here is why I take my kids to the playground:
- Minimum work, maximum payoff
They are outside, the jungle gym is there waiting for them, and I do NOTHING. Also, you get more cosmic parenting points when you take kids outside to play than when you put on a movie and sit them in front of the TV. Speaking of which, guess how many points I am earning this afternoon? Negative 400. It’s called BALANCE, people.
And this is NOT a reason why I take them to the playground:
- To play with them.
Holy shit, kids. Are you kidding me? I get you to the playground where they are swings and slides and towers and bridges, set you loose, and you want ME to come and pretend to be the dragon?! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Nuh-uh. Really. Don’t make me be the asshole mom who has to tell her kids that she doesn’t want to play with them while all the other moms are watching. Then I have to be all, “Oh sweetie, mommy is so tired after the four hours of ponies and dragons that we have ALREADY played today! And then when we get home I have that craft project waiting for us where we make our own pot holders out of things we scavenged from the landfill! So mommy is going to take a little break right now. Ok?” All lies. Or I am honest and say, “Guys, please. I am so freaking tired. Let me have a goddamn break?!” And then the other moms give each other the side eye and go back to their potato sack races or whatever the heck they are doing to participate in their children’s lives.
I just want to sit down in the shade and read the third installment of “Fifty Shades of Grey” on my phone. Because I am the kind of mother that reads about sexual beatings at the playground. So please, go bond with your sibling while mommy learns about anal beads.
Bitch, please.
Bitch, PLEASE.
YES, bitches.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY EVERYONE!!!
Pile of Babies 
I read this post around 6:30am this morning and it woke me up with a laugh! I love it when my husband comes home and as soon as the baby starts to whine, i say something like, “Can you take him please, I need a break, he has been this way ALL day long.” when perhaps it has been a perfect day. Thanks for the honesty
Oh, me too. ESPECIALLY on good days. I call it “ending on a high note.” 😉
Sing it sister! My role at the park is to work on my tan and read on my kindle.
Mine is to hide from the sun and read on my kindle.