Take a knee, I have nonsense to spew.
The following conversation occurred while my children were brushing their teeth before bedtime.
Boy: “Moooooooom!! Megan just spit on my head!”
Mom: “What the heck?!”
Boy: “She spit out her toothpaste on my head!”
Girl: “He leaned-ed his head under me!”
Mom: “Aw jeez, guys! Hang on, buddy. I’ll come clean you up.”
Girl: “Hey Mom?”
Mom: “Yeah?”
Girl: “Ben told me he peed in the sink one time.”
Boy: “Yeah, I did.”
Mom: “Ben, I think the word you are looking for here is, ‘touché'”.
There was a story on the news about a 5-year-old who called 911 when his Dad collapsed, and ended up saving his life. At first I thought, “Shit. My kids don’t know how to use a phone. They don’t know what 9-1-1 is.” And then I thought it through a little. I thought about teaching my children — MY children — how to use a phone and dial 911. Here, with 100% certainty, is what would happen.
Dispatcher: 911 what is your emergency?
Caller: *giggle*
Dispatcher: Hello? What is your emergency?
Caller: PENIS! (hangs up)
Now repeat that about 500 times.
I think I am going to go ahead and take my chances. I’ve had a good life.
********************************************
A big thanks to Christina over at Delirious Mom for giving me a Fabulous Blog ribbon! So awesome! Thanks so much!
Here is how this one works:
1. Post the rules.
Done-zo.
2. Name five of your most fabulous moments, either in real life or in the blogosphere.
3. Name five things you love.
4. Name five things you hate.
5. Pass the ribbon on to five other bloggers. (Leave them a comment to notify them of their win.)
There are too many people I love and adore. I have updated my blog roll — check those folks out!!! They are amazing.
My friend Helena and I took our twins to the zoo a few weeks ago. Man, these kids were JACKED UP. I swear they ran for three hours straight. Marathoners need to be looking to the preschool set for tips on how maintain their stamina.
We headed over to the indoor Rainforest Exhibit. It’s moist and has lots of birds. Helena held open the door while our crew dashed inside and ran over to the nearest wall.
Kids: “Wow, that’s amazing!!!!! Oh my gosh!! Woah, what IS that?!”
Me: “Dudes. Those are rocks. That’s a pile……of ROCKS……. The animals are that-a-way.”
Kids: “Ooooooohhh! Wow! Let’s go!”
It’s like they just don’t care. Or they care deeply, and they are simple. In which case I should really just go with it, because there will be a lot of rock-staring in our future.
They are so noble and majestic.
Image via sxc
I have decided that I am going to start a parenting class. There will be a whole series, covering the usual stuff — birth, sleep, sadness, regret, etc. Then, in the final class, when everybody thinks they’ve got this shit on lock-down and they are ready to go, that’s when I prepare them for the toughest challenge of parenting a young child. It’s time to play “Questions From A Preschooler”, motherfuckers! OH YEAH! And you thought you were bad, huh? Now who wants to give me advice on how to get my kid to sleep?! That’s what I THOUGHT.
It will be an oral exam, and we will do it while driving on the highway, with me in the backseat asking the questions at a pitch and intensity typically seen only when evacuating a nursing home during a fire.
Here are the test questions. Are you ready? Doesn’t matter. Here we go:
1. What is a chicken enchilada called? And also, what is a chicken?
2. What is this cut on my finger called?
3. Why?
4. Why?
5. Why?
6. When is next week?
7. So, the day after tomorrow?
8. Two days after tomorrow?
9. I am going to say the days of the week. Stop me when I get to next week. Ok?
10. Where do socks come from?
11. Can I have a gronlong?
12. No — a GRON-long. Can I have a GRON-long?
13. A GRONLONG! GRONLONG GRONLONG GRONLONG!!!!!!
14. Did you know that the word “right” has the word “right” in it?
15. When you die, will you still be my mommy/daddy?
16. I’ve decided I don’t want to wear pants when we get to the mall. Convince me otherwise.
17. Good job. I shall wear pants. But I won’t go to the mall.
18. Mall or pants. Your call. YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH.
19. What does that word “sexy” mean?
20. Excellent. I have some more questions for you about your penis/vagina, but I will wait to ask those at Pizza Hut.
Mike was home for the day, so he drove the kids to camp with me on Wednesday.
Me: “Hey guys, guess what?! We’re planning a play date with Daddy’s friend Shan and his little boy, Cooper!”
Megan and Ben: “Yay!”
Megan: “Is Cooper a baby?”
Me: “I think he’s about a year old?”
Megan: “Oh. I’m going to call Cooper, ‘Little Jo Jo’.”
Me: “Little Jo Jo??”
Megan: “Yeah.”
Me: “………….Little Jo Jo.”
Mike: “She’s like the guy who assigns nicknames in prison.
‘What’s your name?’
‘Uh…Coo-Cooper?’
‘That’s nice. I’m gonna call you Little Jo Jo.'”
*******************************************************************************************************
My weekly wrap-up:
The Politicus: Headline Round Up
Imperfect Parent: Did you know that every time you click on one of my articles at Imperfect Parent, an angel gets its wings? and I make about 1/8th of penny? But, you know, do it for the angels.
A fellow blogger (I Miss You When I Blink) has started a tumblr site that have all the weird and freaky-deeky search terms people use to get to blogs. A few of us have contributed, and they are pretty awesome. It’s hilarious…….in a scary and tragic way. Check it out: Search Party.
In the car, on our way to the wading pool:
Meg: “Mom, when you and Dad are dead, and Aunt Stephanie is dead, can Uncle Ben be our Daddy?”
Mom: “………..Holy cow, Megan.”
[It is important to interrupt here and point out that she just met Uncle Ben for the first time last week.]
Megan: “I can’t wait!”
Mom: “You can’t wait till Daddy and I are dead?”
Megan: *sigh* “Yeah. I can’t wait till Uncle Ben is my Uncle when you’re dead.”
Mom: “Meg, Uncle Ben is going to be your uncle when he and Aunt Stephanie get married. No one has to die.”
Glad to know she’s going to be just fine in the event of my untimely death. “For every negative there is a positive,” and so on.
***********************************************
My weekly wrap up!
Reckless Video: Read my review of Friends with Kids!
The Politicus: Headline Round Up
Imperfect Parent: Did you know that every time you click on one of my articles at Imperfect Parent, an angel gets its wings? and I make about 1/8th of penny? But, you know, do it for the angels.
A fellow blogger (I Miss You When I Blink) has started a tumblr site that have all the weird and freaky-deeky search terms people use to get to blogs. A few of us have contributed, and they are pretty awesome. It’s hilarious…….in a scary and tragic way. Check it out: Search Party.
My husband made an observation the other day that was so astute, it rocked my world.
Lately the kids have been getting what we call, “The Crazies”. That’s when they start joking around with each other till they are laughing so hard they can’t breathe, and nothing we say to them will calm them down. The words, “penis”, “poop”, “weiner”, “butt”, and “vagina” get thrown around and then combined with any other word that comes to mind — it’s like Mad Libs, but you can only use those five words.
It’s not that I am anti-joy, but the crazies tend to come at inopportune times. Like at the grocery store. Or at bedtime. Or any other time that Mommy is just not in the mood for that shit.
There is absolutely no getting through to them when they have The Crazies. They are lost in a fog of giggles and names for their genitals.
I said to Mike, “I mean, it’s nice that they’re getting along and all…….but god damn. I don’t know what it is about this that makes me so frustrated!”
And Mike said, “You now what it is? It’s like being the only sober person at a party.”
DING DING DING!!!
I have written a little dialogue below. Read it, and tell me if it is about a person and their 4-year-old, or a person and their drunk friend.
Person 1: “Okay, buddy. Time to go home.”
Drunk or 4: “Noooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Person 1: “Yup. I think we’ve had all the fun we’re going to have before things turn tragic. Come on. Lets head out.”
DO4: *blows a raspberry*
Person 1: “Right. Ok. Let’s get — hey! Give me the car keys!”
DO4: “Poopy.”
Person 1: “Dude, you can’t drive. Give. Me. The. Keys.”
DO4: “Vagina butt!!!”
Person 1: “Uh-HUH. Real mature. Now come on, we need to go home.”
DO4: “Why? So you can wipe your vagina!?”
Person 1: “Oh my god. You know what, you’re just embarrassing yourself at this point.”
DO4: “I need to go potty.”
Person 1: “Fine. Let’s find the — DUDE!!! You have to keep your pants up till we are actually IN the potty! You can’t just whip out your junk the instant you need to go!”
DO4: “SAW-REEEEEE. I’m hungry. I want some Booty.”
Person 1: “Look at me. Look at my face. You need to get it together. Now.”
DO4: “Potatoes!! Potatoes in the mouth!!!”
Person 1: “Jesus Christ.”
As I said yesterday, I had to make this its own separate post. I could not stop, you guys.
While on my travels, I peeked into a SkyMall magazine. I ended up bringing it home because it was so fantastic. I could have had hundreds of picks, but at some point you just have to PUT. IT. AWAY. Go visit their website if you have an hour to kill — you will not be disappointed. Here are some of my favorite items, which I helpfully separated into four different categories:
1. You lazy son of a bitch.
2. I am totally getting one.
3. No. For real. Give me your credit card. Someone must save you from yourself.
4. Potent potables.
YOU LAZY SON OF A BITCH.
1. “Kritter Kondo Outdoor Playpen”
Hey there. WALK YOUR FUCKING DOG.
2. “Blow Dryer Stand”
No. You must hold your own blow dryer. Honestly, why are we even having this conversation?
3. “Bed Made EZ”
If you need to jack up your mattress in order to make your bed, you should really re-examine your bed-making technique.
4. “EZ Egg Cracker & Separator”
GREAT idea. Maybe after you’re done fake walking your dog, putting your blow dryer on a stick, and jacking up your mattress, you can make an omelet with your egg cracker. Because you are SO MUCH SMARTER THAN THE REST OF US.
I AM TOTALLY GETTING ONE.
1. “Somawave Helmet”
Holy fuckballs. I don’t think I can come up with anything funnier than SkyMall’s actual description of this product.
“Melt away stress and tension. Enter a state of euphoria. It’s like having thousands of tiny fingers stimulate your scalp! [THOUSANDS OF TINY FINGERS, Y’ALL. SLEEP WELL.]
Disconnect from the world you know. Release stress and tension from your every-day life. Euphoria is only moments away. Slip on our state of the art, scientifically designed SomaWave Helmet and feel your stress dissolve into the ultimate relaxation experience.
Take the SomaWave Helmet anywhere you go. Use it at your desk [YES], on your commute [FUCK YES], or the while you relax in front of TV [BOO]. It’s easy to use and portable with a built in rechargeable battery. Caution: Do not wear while operating heavy machinery [DOUBLE BOO].The SomaWave Helmet’s euphoria inducing waves may produce sleep or trance-like states of consciousness.”
I am going to buy this and wear it on the bus. Because I haven’t been tased by the Seattle Police Department yet, and I’d like to go down screaming, “IT’S LIKE THOUSANDS OF TINY FING –”
2. “Therapeutic Foot Pillows”
Don’t even act like you don’t want these. No one is immune to the draw of plaid foot pillows.
3. “Freedom’s Pride Eagle”
Oh hell yes. There is no bad place to hang this. NONE. I might suspend it from the ceiling at just slightly lower than head clearance so that visitors are constantly getting smacked in the face by freedom. CAW CAW!
4. “Box of Applause Or Laughter”
After every rejection letter, I will wrap myself in a blanket and get out my box of laughter. “You think I’m funny, right, Box of Laughter?” (open lid, guffaws and giggles come out) “Yeah…..that’s right. I’m funny……”
5. “Hellenistic Wrestlers Statue”
What.
What.
6. “‘Bath’ Framed Art”
And, of course, the fourth bathroom R: Release.
NO. FOR REAL. GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD. SOMEONE MUST SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELF.
1. “Emergency Triage Lights”
According to SkyMall, here is why these are a super good idea: “In an emergency situation that threatens lives, this patented illumination technology swiftly relays critical information to emergency responders through highly-visible and enduring beams of light. Survivors are identified by flashing signals (Red — Child, Green — Woman, Blue — Man, Yellow — Pet). Easily recognized by emergency responders, the device directs them to help your family.”
So the next time you go for a family walk during a tornado, don’t forget to wear your Corpse Colors. And fuck those other idiots who didn’t think to wear their triage lights. Guess who’s getting pulled out of the rubble first, motherfuckers?
2. “Cat Toilet Training System”
I can’t decide what the cat in this picture is saying. Either, “I will be avenged” or “you like to watch…..don’t you?” Regardless, if you have eight weeks to spend toilet-training your cat, then YOU HAVE EIGHT WEEKS TO SPEND TOILET TRAINING YOUR CAT.
Also, I must point out that the description says your cat will be able to use “any human toilet”, which I think is an unkind way to refer to that asshole at work. Also, he doesn’t have time to help you with this nonsense. That’s why everyone hates him. Won’t even help you toilet train your cat by acting as a human toilet. What an asshole.
3. “Arm Exercise Weights”
“Laura……..look at me. You need to stop wearing these. For one, you look like an idiot. Two, people think you’re The Terminator. And three, you’re getting Popeye-sized forearms. Can’t you just go for a walk or something?”
4. “Portable Infrared Sauna”
I love you — you’re my friend. I would give you a kidney. But I will never, ever, clean out your portable sauna.
5. “David Bonded Marble Statue”
If you buy this, I will only ever stare at his junk. That is the cold, hard truth.
6. “Armadillo Beverage Holder”
“Wouldn’t it be easier to just grab a coaster and — nope. Ok. You prefer the armadillo. Guess I’ll have another……..’Lone Star Light’………..and four peanuts………..um, Jeff? This friendship isn’t working out for me.”
POTENT POTABLES
1. “Bavarian Walking Stick”
I kinda love that this is for sale…….in SKY MALL. No, please, bring your “ax, hammer, and spike — in one” on your next flight. The air marshall needs to stretch his legs.
2. “Gentlemen’s Personal Barber”
Let’s be honest, here, people. Anything called the “Gentlemen’s Personal Barber” is not getting used on a face.
3. “Original Backnobber II”
Finally, a Backnobber you don’t have to wash out of your hair later — am I right, ladies?
4. “Shaving Pedestal”
Because Princess can’t just hike her leg up into the corner of the shower and pray her other leg has enough traction to keep her from dying in the bath tub, like the rest of us bitches.
5. “Hanging Closet Safe”
“Cleverly designed to look like an ordinary black tank top,” says SkyMall. Excellent. What a fantastic method of home security. A tank top??? With ZIPPERS??? Why, it’s completely impenetrable! Only the most savvy two-handed burglar could break into that safe! Actually, one hand and a foot could do it. Or a head. With a stepladder.
6. “Inside Skinny Woman Sign”
HA! It’s funny because you hate yourself!! Get it, you fat ol’ fattie?!! Yeah, you get it you fat motherfucker.
7. “Attic Tent”
Who the hell forgot to zip in Mom? Jesus. Way to go, Barry! Now she’ll just keep coming back. Maybe we should put down some tin foil. She hates that, right?
8. “Iced Dip Bowl Set”
If you entertain enough for this to be a good idea, then you are not me.
9. “Index Cutting Board Set”
If you really wanted to fuck with Sheila, you put her cutting boards out of order.
10. “Micro-Smores”
What the hell, you ask? Let’s ask SkyMall.
“The Micro S’mores cooks in your microwave from the inside out, creating perfect and delicious s’mores every time.
Even microwave energy distribution. Auto-plunger. Recipe book. FOR S’MORES.
This is why we have directions on shampoo bottles, folks. Because of Micro-S’mores.
Hello everyone!
Back from my trip to visit Grandma and the Aunts down in North Carolina! We had a great time. Had a lot of new INDOOR experiences. Because in North Carolina, last week was either a) 105 degrees and humid as hell or b) raining like crazy with lightning and thunder. Not a lot of time spent at the park, let’s just say.
The kids were rock stars on the plane, as always. I actually thought we might get through this trip airport-incident free. I am an idiot. We met Daddy at baggage claim, who was looking very, very cute — a week without his family was good to the man — got our suitcases and car seats, and started heading out. BY THE WAY — my suitcase was the FIRST one that came out and our car seats were numbers 4 and 5. I am telling you guys, that is the kind of shit I LIVE for. I almost started the wave but the other passengers were not cooperative. Haters.
So we get our stuff and start heading out of the airport via the Up escalator, when my daughter (I think I need to start using “blog aliases” for my kids. If you have suggestions, let me know) decided she was going to stop walking. Yup. Had enough. All done. No more walking. My son and I were already halfway up the escalator when she made this decision, so she and Mike were stuck at the bottom. My boy freaked the fuck out, turned around, and started trying to run down the Up escalator while screaming “DADDY!!!!! I LOVE YOU, DADDY!!!” We may have caused a scene as I tried to drag one child off the escalator and Mike tried to push the other on. Good times.
Sometimes my life is like one of those overly dramatic “Not Without My Daughter” type movies. I am played by Ashley Judd (she gives good crazy), Mike is played by Liam Neeson, and our kids are named “Merciless” and “Fucking Nuts” (two first names, like Sarah Jessica Parker).
I was not planning on posting today, but I was working on tomorrow’s post about the national treasure that is Sky Mall magazine and I decided that it deserved its own, separate post. So that one is coming tomorrow.
Good to be home!
Early evening. Mike has put the kids to sleep. He comes downstairs, where I have just finished my workout (i.e. 3 minutes of a dvd and then yelling “bitch is crazy!” and stopping).
Mike: “So, first of all — you’re welcome.”
Me: “Oh shit. What did you do?”
Mike: “And SECOND, the kids have written a new song that you might hear a lot tomorrow.”
Me: “Goddamn it, Mike. What did you do?”
Mike: “It goes a little something like, ‘Old McPenis had a farm.'”
Me: *sigh* “Awesome. And what does Old McPenis have on his farm?”
Mike: “We didn’t get that far. They were laughing too much.”
On a not-completely-unrelated note, I shall never judge the Google search results leading to my site again, since I just Googled “what diseases can people get from sexual contact with farm animals.” FYI, it turns out no matter which one you end up with, you’re gonna have diarrhea.
Pile of Babies 