Pile of SkyMall.

Jul 13, 2012

As I said yesterday, I had to make this its own separate post. I could not stop, you guys.

While on my travels, I peeked into a SkyMall magazine. I ended up bringing it home because it was so fantastic. I could have had hundreds of picks, but at some point you just have to PUT. IT. AWAY. Go visit their website if you have an hour to kill — you will not be disappointed. Here are some of my favorite items, which I helpfully separated into four different categories:

1. You lazy son of a bitch.

2. I am totally getting one.

3. No. For real. Give me your credit card. Someone must save you from yourself.

4. Potent potables.

YOU LAZY SON OF A BITCH.

1. “Kritter Kondo Outdoor Playpen”

Hey there. WALK YOUR FUCKING DOG.

2. “Blow Dryer Stand”

No. You must hold your own blow dryer. Honestly, why are we even having this conversation?

3. “Bed Made EZ”

If you need to jack up your mattress in order to make your bed, you should really re-examine your bed-making technique.

4. “EZ Egg Cracker & Separator”

GREAT idea. Maybe after you’re done fake walking your dog, putting your blow dryer on a stick, and jacking up your mattress, you can make an omelet with your egg cracker. Because you are SO MUCH SMARTER THAN THE REST OF US.

I  AM TOTALLY GETTING ONE.

1. “Somawave Helmet”

Holy fuckballs. I don’t think I can come up with anything funnier than SkyMall’s actual description of this product.

“Melt away stress and tension. Enter a state of euphoria. It’s like having thousands of tiny fingers stimulate your scalp! [THOUSANDS OF TINY FINGERS, Y’ALL. SLEEP WELL.]

Disconnect from the world you know. Release stress and tension from your every-day life. Euphoria is only moments away. Slip on our state of the art, scientifically designed SomaWave Helmet and feel your stress dissolve into the ultimate relaxation experience.

Take the SomaWave Helmet anywhere you go. Use it at your desk [YES], on your commute [FUCK YES], or the while you relax in front of TV [BOO]. It’s easy to use and portable with a built in rechargeable battery. Caution: Do not wear while operating heavy machinery [DOUBLE BOO].The SomaWave Helmet’s euphoria inducing waves may produce sleep or trance-like states of consciousness.”

I am going to buy this and wear it on the bus. Because I haven’t been tased by the Seattle Police Department yet, and I’d like to go down screaming, “IT’S LIKE THOUSANDS OF TINY FING –”

2. “Therapeutic Foot Pillows”

Don’t even act like you don’t want these. No one is immune to the draw of plaid foot pillows.

3. “Freedom’s Pride Eagle”

Oh hell yes. There is no bad place to hang this. NONE. I might suspend it from the ceiling at just slightly lower than head clearance so that visitors are constantly getting smacked in the face by freedom. CAW CAW!

4. “Box of Applause Or Laughter”

After every rejection letter, I will wrap myself in a blanket and get out my box of laughter. “You think I’m funny, right, Box of Laughter?” (open lid, guffaws and giggles come out) “Yeah…..that’s right. I’m funny……”

5. “Hellenistic Wrestlers Statue”

What.

What.

6. “‘Bath’ Framed Art”

And, of course, the fourth bathroom R: Release.

NO. FOR REAL. GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD. SOMEONE MUST SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELF.

1. “Emergency Triage Lights”

According to SkyMall, here is why these are a super good idea: “In an emergency situation that threatens lives, this patented illumination technology swiftly relays critical information to emergency responders through highly-visible and enduring beams of light. Survivors are identified by flashing signals (Red — Child, Green — Woman, Blue — Man, Yellow — Pet). Easily recognized by emergency responders, the device directs them to help your family.”

So the next time you go for a family walk during a tornado, don’t forget to wear your Corpse Colors. And fuck those other idiots who didn’t think to wear their triage lights. Guess who’s getting pulled out of the rubble first, motherfuckers?

2. “Cat Toilet Training System”

I can’t decide what the cat in this picture is saying. Either, “I will be avenged” or “you like to watch…..don’t you?” Regardless, if you have eight weeks to spend toilet-training your cat, then YOU HAVE EIGHT WEEKS TO SPEND TOILET TRAINING YOUR CAT.

Also, I must point out that the description says your cat will be able to use “any human toilet”, which I think is an unkind way to refer to that asshole at work. Also, he doesn’t have time to help you with this nonsense. That’s why everyone hates him. Won’t even help you toilet train your cat by acting as a human toilet. What an asshole.

3. “Arm Exercise Weights”

 “Laura……..look at me. You need to stop wearing these. For one, you look like an idiot. Two, people think you’re The Terminator. And three, you’re getting Popeye-sized forearms. Can’t you just go for a walk or something?”

4. “Portable Infrared Sauna”

I love you — you’re my friend. I would give you a kidney. But I will never, ever, clean out your portable sauna.

5. “David Bonded Marble Statue”

If you buy this, I will only ever stare at his junk. That is the cold, hard truth.

6. “Armadillo Beverage Holder”

“Wouldn’t it be easier to just grab a coaster and — nope. Ok. You prefer the armadillo. Guess I’ll have another……..’Lone Star Light’………..and four peanuts………..um, Jeff? This friendship isn’t working out for me.”

POTENT POTABLES

1. “Bavarian Walking Stick”

I kinda love that this is for sale…….in SKY MALL. No, please, bring your “ax, hammer, and spike — in one” on your next flight. The air marshall needs to stretch his legs.

2. “Gentlemen’s Personal Barber”

Let’s be honest, here, people. Anything called the “Gentlemen’s Personal Barber” is not getting used on a face.

3. “Original Backnobber II”

Finally, a Backnobber you don’t have to wash out of your hair later — am I right, ladies?

4. “Shaving Pedestal”

Because Princess can’t just hike her leg up into the corner of the shower and pray her other leg has enough traction to keep her from dying in the bath tub, like the rest of us bitches.

5. “Hanging Closet Safe”

“Cleverly designed to look like an ordinary black tank top,” says SkyMall. Excellent. What a fantastic method of home security. A tank top??? With ZIPPERS??? Why, it’s completely impenetrable! Only the most savvy two-handed burglar could break into that safe! Actually, one hand and a foot could do it. Or a head. With a stepladder.

6. “Inside Skinny Woman Sign”

HA! It’s funny because you hate yourself!! Get it, you fat ol’ fattie?!! Yeah, you get it you fat motherfucker.

7. “Attic Tent”

Who the hell forgot to zip in Mom? Jesus. Way to go, Barry! Now she’ll just keep coming back. Maybe we should put down some tin foil. She hates that, right?

8. “Iced Dip Bowl Set”

If you entertain enough for this to be a good idea, then you are not me.

9. “Index Cutting Board Set”

If you really wanted to fuck with Sheila, you put her cutting boards out of order.

10. “Micro-Smores”

What the hell, you ask? Let’s ask SkyMall.

“The Micro S’mores cooks in your microwave from the inside out, creating perfect and delicious s’mores every time.

• Domed cover for even microwave energy distribution for the perfect melt
• Auto-Plunger applies just the right amount of pressure to for the perfect S’more
• Micro S’mores Recipe guide with 12 Classic and 12 Holiday recipes for year-round fun”

Even microwave energy distribution. Auto-plunger. Recipe book. FOR S’MORES.

This is why we have directions on shampoo bottles, folks. Because of Micro-S’mores.

There’s gonna be a wedding.

Mar 7, 2012

My children married a fish and a lizard this afternoon. Without further ado, I present to you The Wedding of Fish and Sticky Lizard:

Fish: I wuv you, Sticky Lizard.

Lizard: I love you, too. I want to marry you.

Fish: Awwwwwwwww. You do?

Lizard: Yes.

Fish: But, we can’t. You’re………….a Mommy!

Lizard: And you’re a Daddy.

Fish: Yeah………

Lizard: Ok. Look at me in the face. Now we are married.

Fish: Yay!

********

Just so you know, I am going to start demanding that people “look at me in the face” at random times.

Waitress: Hi! Can I take your order?

Me: Look at me in the face. I would like a Diet Coke.

********

Child: Mommy, look at the the animals!

Me: Zebra. Look at me in the face. I would like to take your picture.

********

Saleswoman: That’ll be $24.35

Me: Look at me in the face. That’ll be $5.00

Saleswoman: Uh………I don’t…….

Me: Face. Mine. Look at it. $5.00

Saleswoman: M’am, it’s $24.35

Me:………….Look at me in the face. Now we are married.

Saleswoman: I’m calling the police.

BOOM! We're married, y'all!

I am the Anti-Craft.

Feb 20, 2012

I am not a “crafty” person. My Native American name is “Draws Like Monkey”.  I am talking about is this kind of crafty:

This is a chicken made out of potato chip bags. Yeah, really. I shall call her the Chipper Chicken, and you will all slap your knees and shake your heads at my play on words.

I cannot craft. I just can’t. As a mom I get craft ideas thrown in my face constantly. It’s like………never mind. I had a horribly inappropriate joke that I wanted to put in here, but Mike convinced me it was a bad idea. I have to tell you, though, that it was fucking hilarious. Anyway. Let’s move on.

Most articles about craft projects talk about how very easy they are, and how anyone can do them. I am here to shove those statements right back in the authors’ rosy-cheeked, sparkly-eyed faces. On a related note — have you noticed how there are two kinds of crafters? The rosy-cheeked kind mentioned above, who are patient and kind but just a little fruity — which is where the crafts come in. Also these people usually grow their own squash and their homes are always the perfect amount of clean (it’s clear they don’t have a housekeeper, but you’re also not going to touch anything unexpectedly sticky). The other kind of crafter is what I’ll call, The Loner. The Loner owns 1 or 2 pets (typically a cat, but could also be a small, old, mostly blind dog), is over 40 but wears barrettes in primary colors, and loves e-mail forwards.

At any rate, I am no kind of crafter because I have no artistic skill and ZERO creativity. I agonize over decisions like choosing a paint color. And you know what? I get it wrong 100% of the time. I have never painted a room and thought, “Yes. That is EXACTLY the look I was going for.” It’s more like, “So……..I guess we live with this, now.” I had some chairs re-upholstered last summer, and I swear the visit to the fabric store was enough to make me question my mental competence. “Which ones do you like?” “I don’t know.” “Do you want a pattern? Stripe? Solid?” “I don’t know.” “Here are three choices. Which one do you think would go best in your living room.” “…………..I don’t know.” “Do you know where you live? Who is the president?”

Needless to say, you put me in front of a blank canvas with bowls full of paint, glitter, buttons, and pipe cleaners and tell me to “make whatever you want”, and I am going to have a sad moment. I will probably be Captain No Fun of the Downer Express who does not participate. But the children, oh, how the little children love themselves some crafts. And thank god for preschool because that is the only place mine can craft to their heart’s content.

So I have decided to stretch myself a little bit and try to do some crafting. The kids and I went to JoAnn’s last week and stocked up on glue, paints brushes, glitter, googly eyes, and stickers. And I saved 4 toilet paper rolls so we could get our toilet paper roll craft on. I did some google image searches for something that seemed do-able. Not for the kids — I’m not worried about their abilities — but for me.

So, less like this:

Welcome to my hobo village, located in a sewer pipe.

And more like this:

YES.

I had visions of cute little butterflies, an octopus, some cute little creature……something that looked like anything at all. Instead, we created this:

I guess you’d call this a collage. Collage is an arty word for “miscellaneous glued on crap”, right? We did manage to put a pair of eyeballs on the toilet paper roll on the right, though. Stars, flowers, hearts, a baby carriage, and a toilet paper roll with eyeballs. This is definitely going to be Exhibit A at one of our trials. I don’t know whose, and I don’t know for what, but it will prove EVERYTHING.

So craft attempt number one — mixed results. Successful in the sense that the kids had a blast and no one got hurt. Unsuccessful in the sense that the original plan was abandoned for an orgy of glitter and paint. Not sure what we will attempt next…………look out, Pinterest. I have research to do!

Would you like a one person pie with those sweatpants?

Feb 17, 2012

I was shopping in Target last week, and decided to pick up some new pants for the kids while I was there. The fact that my son had just made a hole in the knee of yet another pair of pants was an excellent excuse for me to bathe in the healing waters of the Target children’s clothing section. Ahhhhhh…….. $8 pants on sale for $4………….awwwwwww yeah………….that’s the stuff, Target.

I wandered through the racks, sorting through the options. “Nope, he hates wearing jeans as it is.” “Nah, she likes softer material.” “Uh-uh, those have a buckle.” “Where the heck are all the sweatpants??!!” And at that moment it occurred to me that my children dress like housebound, morbidly obese invalids. I am buying sweatpants, pull on shirts (no buttons or collars, thank you), and slip on shoes for these kids. Just toss a Life Alert in the basket and we’re all set.

I have to bribe my children to wear anything with a zipper. Jeans and corduroys are for formal occasions. I don’t believe my son has ever worn a button down shirt. My daughter complains that anything that is not soft is “too small” for her, even if it is clearly a lie. But honestly, I can’t blame them. If I could get away with sweatpants and soft t-shirts all day everyday, I most definitely would. Hell, if I had just slightly less self-respect I’d be going to the grocery store in my pjs. And I mean just slightly less. I have had to talk myself out of it on more than one occasion.

“They don’t really look like pajamas, do they? Couldn’t they just be sweatpants with stars on them? Aren’t all the kids wearing stuff like this these days? And even if I look like a crazy person, so what? There’s always that one person at the grocery store who looks like they have given up on life. Why can’t that person be me today? I’m not trying to get a date. All of my peers are in the same dark, filthy mine shaft as me. Where’s the harm?!” But I always go and put on my formal attire — jeans and one of the few shirts i have left without a hole in them…….or sometimes with a hole as long as it is very small and really hardly noticeable at all — and parade off to the store to buy my bananas. And, of course, some one person pies for the children.

God, do I love Etsy.

Feb 13, 2012

I love Etsy. L-O-V-E it. I buy my art from Etsy. I bought coasters from Etsy. I ordered my Christmas cards from Etsy. And I love to waste time browsing on Etsy, because you find treasures like these:

1. “Vial filled with Rodent Bone Fragments” $6.75

I like the middle one, cuz you can see the teeth.

2. “Tree Mushroom, Nature’s Work” $20.00

You know what else are “nature’s work”? Tumors. Which is exactly what people will think this is when they see it on your desk. “Holy shit! Is that a tumor?!” To which you should say, “Yes. Yes it is.” The next logical question will be, “Whose is it?!!” Will they hope it’s yours? Will they hope it’s someone else’s? It’s a fantastic question.

3. “Wreath” $48.00

I had a lot of trouble with material implication (“if….then……) when I took philosophy in college, but I think I have figured it out after seeing this picture:

If you spend $48 on this, and you hang it on your door, then you own a lot of cats.

4. “Sealed cement leaves, use indoors or out” $12.00

Speaking of cats! Happy Valentine’s Day!! I appreciate that you can use this indoors or out. Because I think that when your dog dies, you should FOR SURE get one of these with a picture of Sparky licking his balls on it as a grave marker. When the artist objects, as she surely will, tell her he would want to be remembered doing what he loved best. And start crying. SOLD.

5. “Book Mark With Baby Panda” $4.50

I have a few thoughts about this one. First of all, I don’t know what the fuck that thing is, but “baby panda” doesn’t even make my Top 10 in terms of possibilities. “Upside-Down 70’s Porn Star”? Perhaps.  “Blind Beggar Mouse Asking for Alms”? Maybe.

Second, the bible quote? What does god being “slow to anger” have to do with baby pandas?! Maybe that’s the only thing that prevents god from totally losing it. He’s like, moments from freaking the fuck out, but the angels are all, “Wait, god! Remember these awesome baby pandas you made?! Yeah. They are adorable. There, isn’t that better? Now let’s go watch that YouTube video of the baby panda sneezing and have some chocolate milk.” And everything is cool.

6. “Red Butterfly Crown” $25

Holy fuckballs, people. Please. PLEASE, someone buy this and then immediately go to your local public garden and put it on. Start screaming, “GET THEM OFF!! GET THEM OFF!!!” And then go home and email me and tell me all about it.

7. “Mongolian Lamb Fur Sleeve Cuff” $20

I am just going to quote directly from the seller’s description of this item. The emphasis is mine.

“Set of sleeve cuffs to wear attached to a sweater, or alone. This is perfect for a sweater or blouse where the sleeves have gotten a little short. Or, just to add lots of pizzaz to any outfit.”

Ok. Ok………Ok. I am going to buy these. And I have two places I am going to wear them. First, I am going to take the seller up on the suggestion that they can be worn alone, and I am going to the beach in nothing but my bathing suit and my fur sleeves. Second, I am going to get a job — JUST SO I CAN DO THIS — and after a few weeks of blending in I am going to walk into the office with these attached to my business casual pantsuit. When I am asked about it, I will tell people that the sleeves had gotten a little short and I am trying to extend the wear with these sleeve cuffs. Aren’t they awesome, and would you like me to order you a pair, no well why don’t I just write out the link to the website, oh you don’t have anything to write on ok I will just e-mail it to you.

And by the way, what is going on with the Mongolian Lamb? I googled them, and I swear to god all that came up was recipes and pillow covers. They must be extremely soft and delicious.

8. “High School Graduation Photo Announcement or Invitation” $18

Oh, Tyler Joel. Your freshly pubescent, sultry, smoldering gaze screams out, “I’m graduating from high school, Nana. And I’d love for you to come to my party at the Olive Garden.”

9. “Voodoo Chicken Foot” $24

I realize I am supposed to place this on my altar as a sacrifice, but — YOU GUYS — how cute would this be as a mobile for a nursery? Dangling above your precious bundle? Twisting and turning in the breeze, inches from their little nose……ca-CAW!!!

10. “Moaning Head” $12

Suggestions for use:

• On the pillow in the guest room for when family comes to visit.
• Over the headrest of the passenger seat of the car.
• Have a framed photo of “moaning face” on your desk at work next to the one of your kids.
• Above the toilet.
• Hide it in the closet behind your husband’s/wife’s shirts.
• Security measure — when the motion detector goes off, this guy is hanging in the window right under the flood light.
• Four words: Photo. On. Costco. Card.
• Wrap “moaning face” in a baby blanket and take it to the park. Wait for someone to ask to see your baby.

I should stop. GOD I love Etsy.