Craft Wars — the best show on TV involving Tori Spelling and crafters.

Aug 6, 2012

This is my new favorite show, you guys. Mike and I just stumbled upon it the other night while channel surfing. It’s Tori Spelling and crazy crafters, in a fight to the death! Ok, not a fight to the death. But Tori + crazies + crafting competition? Bring me an ice cold diet coke, honey. I am in for the duration.

I thought I would go ahead and take you through the episode Mike and I watched so that you can see how very, very important it is that we all watch this show.

The episode we watched was called “Alter or Falter”. A pregnant Tori Spelling hosts, and there is, of course, a judge’s table of “crafting experts”.

So……..these guys. And Princess Spelling.

“Welcome to the ultimate arena for crafting,” Tori says, which you hope means daggers and crossbows but really just means the entire inventory of Michael’s. I call bullshit. It cannot be called a crafting “arena” unless people are going to be thrown in a room with nothing but their wits and their hot glue guns to protect them. I want to see these bitches sharpening spoons against concrete walls and making poisons out of the native plants. That is a Craft War I could get behind.

But it is not to be. So………..let’s craft!

There are two rounds of competition. The first is the Pop Craft Challenge, where the crafters make a popular crafting item in one hour with a specific item.

The Pop Craft Challenge today? The Keepsake Box. You mean that bin from Lowe’s that has all my photo albums dumped in it? No? Oh, so then the garbage bag with random pictures and letters that I will leave behind for my children to take to the dump when I’m dead? No. Huh. Then I am not familiar with said, “Keepsake Box”. What will these ladies be making?

Tori tells them they have to make these boxes out of “something we all have laying around ” — extra locks and keys. And out comes two wheelbarrows full of locks, keys, and chains. Really? Cuz,not so much in my house, Spelling.

“Hey honey? Can you grab me a lock and key out of the punishment closet? Thanks!”

And away we go! Let’s see what they came up with!

Esther made a sandcastle.

I’m a sand castle.

The second crafter, “Krafty Kathy” was my favorite. This was in no small part due to the fact that there is a clip of Kathy saying, very seriously, “I feel really good about my box.” And that’s what we all want, isn’t it gals?

Krafty Kathy (she has a t-shirt that says it and everything) made a tooth fairy box to store teeth in. Now, my children have not lost their baby teeth yet, but I can say with a fair amount of confidence that I will not be storing their teeth in some kind of shadow box to watch them yellow and rot. Some things don’t need to be saved, y’all. Ok? And especially not in a box that looks like an in-bred tooth who carries a cross and thinks it’s a princess. But every family is different, right?

Holy fuckballs, people.

And then there was Andrea. Sweet, sweet Andrea, who said that making her Gnome’s House was “the most stressful thing I have ever done in my life.” The Most Stressful Thing. Ever. Was doing Craft Wars. With Tori Spelling. My, what a charmed fucking life we lead, huh, Andrea?

For storing your gnomes. When you open the lid, you can hear their screams.

The judges deliberate, and Kathy and her serial killer tooth keeper’s box get cut. Sad times for Meredith. But the show must go on.

So Esther and Andrea move on to the second round — The Master Craft Challenge. They have to make something for a wedding using old baby blankets, new invitations, borrowed candlesticks, and blue jeans. Get it? DO YOU GET IT?!!

Andrea decided to make a wishing tree. What the fuckity fuck is a wishing tree? Well, it’s where guests leave notes for the happy couple. Let me tell you right now what would be on Mike’s note: a cock and balls. The man will draw a cock and balls at any opportunity. Got some play-doh? You’re getting a cock and balls. Sidewalk chalk? How about a cock and balls? And I’m not much better. I don’t know that I could resist the anonymity of a wishing tree to be a total smart ass. What I’m saying is, don’t let us two idiots near your wishing tree.

Here is Andrea’s wishing tree.

Esther made a photo booth.

And Meredith learned garlands are crafter crack. Holy dangle, dude! I have to say, I have seen some gorgeous garlands before, but I  am just not a fan. I don’t like to combine walking with getting smacked in the face.

And the judges. Hand to god, one of them praised the fact that Andrea used the hole punch correctly. The hole punch is like the paper towel of the crafting world. As in, “congratulations on your skillful use of the paper towel. You really looked like you knew what you were doing.” And that must have been what put her over the top because she won.

And I’m pretty sure poor Esther hung herself from her garlands with a hole punch stuffed in her mouth.

(Was that too much? That might be too much…….Oh god, I hope I don’t get an e-mail from someone whose dad died from choking on a hole punch.)

I am the Anti-Craft.

Feb 20, 2012

I am not a “crafty” person. My Native American name is “Draws Like Monkey”.  I am talking about is this kind of crafty:

This is a chicken made out of potato chip bags. Yeah, really. I shall call her the Chipper Chicken, and you will all slap your knees and shake your heads at my play on words.

I cannot craft. I just can’t. As a mom I get craft ideas thrown in my face constantly. It’s like………never mind. I had a horribly inappropriate joke that I wanted to put in here, but Mike convinced me it was a bad idea. I have to tell you, though, that it was fucking hilarious. Anyway. Let’s move on.

Most articles about craft projects talk about how very easy they are, and how anyone can do them. I am here to shove those statements right back in the authors’ rosy-cheeked, sparkly-eyed faces. On a related note — have you noticed how there are two kinds of crafters? The rosy-cheeked kind mentioned above, who are patient and kind but just a little fruity — which is where the crafts come in. Also these people usually grow their own squash and their homes are always the perfect amount of clean (it’s clear they don’t have a housekeeper, but you’re also not going to touch anything unexpectedly sticky). The other kind of crafter is what I’ll call, The Loner. The Loner owns 1 or 2 pets (typically a cat, but could also be a small, old, mostly blind dog), is over 40 but wears barrettes in primary colors, and loves e-mail forwards.

At any rate, I am no kind of crafter because I have no artistic skill and ZERO creativity. I agonize over decisions like choosing a paint color. And you know what? I get it wrong 100% of the time. I have never painted a room and thought, “Yes. That is EXACTLY the look I was going for.” It’s more like, “So……..I guess we live with this, now.” I had some chairs re-upholstered last summer, and I swear the visit to the fabric store was enough to make me question my mental competence. “Which ones do you like?” “I don’t know.” “Do you want a pattern? Stripe? Solid?” “I don’t know.” “Here are three choices. Which one do you think would go best in your living room.” “…………..I don’t know.” “Do you know where you live? Who is the president?”

Needless to say, you put me in front of a blank canvas with bowls full of paint, glitter, buttons, and pipe cleaners and tell me to “make whatever you want”, and I am going to have a sad moment. I will probably be Captain No Fun of the Downer Express who does not participate. But the children, oh, how the little children love themselves some crafts. And thank god for preschool because that is the only place mine can craft to their heart’s content.

So I have decided to stretch myself a little bit and try to do some crafting. The kids and I went to JoAnn’s last week and stocked up on glue, paints brushes, glitter, googly eyes, and stickers. And I saved 4 toilet paper rolls so we could get our toilet paper roll craft on. I did some google image searches for something that seemed do-able. Not for the kids — I’m not worried about their abilities — but for me.

So, less like this:

Welcome to my hobo village, located in a sewer pipe.

And more like this:

YES.

I had visions of cute little butterflies, an octopus, some cute little creature……something that looked like anything at all. Instead, we created this:

I guess you’d call this a collage. Collage is an arty word for “miscellaneous glued on crap”, right? We did manage to put a pair of eyeballs on the toilet paper roll on the right, though. Stars, flowers, hearts, a baby carriage, and a toilet paper roll with eyeballs. This is definitely going to be Exhibit A at one of our trials. I don’t know whose, and I don’t know for what, but it will prove EVERYTHING.

So craft attempt number one — mixed results. Successful in the sense that the kids had a blast and no one got hurt. Unsuccessful in the sense that the original plan was abandoned for an orgy of glitter and paint. Not sure what we will attempt next…………look out, Pinterest. I have research to do!