Craft Wars — the best show on TV involving Tori Spelling and crafters.

Aug 6, 2012

This is my new favorite show, you guys. Mike and I just stumbled upon it the other night while channel surfing. It’s Tori Spelling and crazy crafters, in a fight to the death! Ok, not a fight to the death. But Tori + crazies + crafting competition? Bring me an ice cold diet coke, honey. I am in for the duration.

I thought I would go ahead and take you through the episode Mike and I watched so that you can see how very, very important it is that we all watch this show.

The episode we watched was called “Alter or Falter”. A pregnant Tori Spelling hosts, and there is, of course, a judge’s table of “crafting experts”.

So……..these guys. And Princess Spelling.

“Welcome to the ultimate arena for crafting,” Tori says, which you hope means daggers and crossbows but really just means the entire inventory of Michael’s. I call bullshit. It cannot be called a crafting “arena” unless people are going to be thrown in a room with nothing but their wits and their hot glue guns to protect them. I want to see these bitches sharpening spoons against concrete walls and making poisons out of the native plants. That is a Craft War I could get behind.

But it is not to be. So………..let’s craft!

There are two rounds of competition. The first is the Pop Craft Challenge, where the crafters make a popular crafting item in one hour with a specific item.

The Pop Craft Challenge today? The Keepsake Box. You mean that bin from Lowe’s that has all my photo albums dumped in it? No? Oh, so then the garbage bag with random pictures and letters that I will leave behind for my children to take to the dump when I’m dead? No. Huh. Then I am not familiar with said, “Keepsake Box”. What will these ladies be making?

Tori tells them they have to make these boxes out of “something we all have laying around ” — extra locks and keys. And out comes two wheelbarrows full of locks, keys, and chains. Really? Cuz,not so much in my house, Spelling.

“Hey honey? Can you grab me a lock and key out of the punishment closet? Thanks!”

And away we go! Let’s see what they came up with!

Esther made a sandcastle.

I’m a sand castle.

The second crafter, “Krafty Kathy” was my favorite. This was in no small part due to the fact that there is a clip of Kathy saying, very seriously, “I feel really good about my box.” And that’s what we all want, isn’t it gals?

Krafty Kathy (she has a t-shirt that says it and everything) made a tooth fairy box to store teeth in. Now, my children have not lost their baby teeth yet, but I can say with a fair amount of confidence that I will not be storing their teeth in some kind of shadow box to watch them yellow and rot. Some things don’t need to be saved, y’all. Ok? And especially not in a box that looks like an in-bred tooth who carries a cross and thinks it’s a princess. But every family is different, right?

Holy fuckballs, people.

And then there was Andrea. Sweet, sweet Andrea, who said that making her Gnome’s House was “the most stressful thing I have ever done in my life.” The Most Stressful Thing. Ever. Was doing Craft Wars. With Tori Spelling. My, what a charmed fucking life we lead, huh, Andrea?

For storing your gnomes. When you open the lid, you can hear their screams.

The judges deliberate, and Kathy and her serial killer tooth keeper’s box get cut. Sad times for Meredith. But the show must go on.

So Esther and Andrea move on to the second round — The Master Craft Challenge. They have to make something for a wedding using old baby blankets, new invitations, borrowed candlesticks, and blue jeans. Get it? DO YOU GET IT?!!

Andrea decided to make a wishing tree. What the fuckity fuck is a wishing tree? Well, it’s where guests leave notes for the happy couple. Let me tell you right now what would be on Mike’s note: a cock and balls. The man will draw a cock and balls at any opportunity. Got some play-doh? You’re getting a cock and balls. Sidewalk chalk? How about a cock and balls? And I’m not much better. I don’t know that I could resist the anonymity of a wishing tree to be a total smart ass. What I’m saying is, don’t let us two idiots near your wishing tree.

Here is Andrea’s wishing tree.

Esther made a photo booth.

And Meredith learned garlands are crafter crack. Holy dangle, dude! I have to say, I have seen some gorgeous garlands before, but I  am just not a fan. I don’t like to combine walking with getting smacked in the face.

And the judges. Hand to god, one of them praised the fact that Andrea used the hole punch correctly. The hole punch is like the paper towel of the crafting world. As in, “congratulations on your skillful use of the paper towel. You really looked like you knew what you were doing.” And that must have been what put her over the top because she won.

And I’m pretty sure poor Esther hung herself from her garlands with a hole punch stuffed in her mouth.

(Was that too much? That might be too much…….Oh god, I hope I don’t get an e-mail from someone whose dad died from choking on a hole punch.)

That is NOT how Mickey did it.

Aug 1, 2012

Mike and I were watching TV when this commercial came on involving a hot air balloon. And I learned that I am, in fact, kind of an idiot.

Mike: “That would be my own special hell. Being in a hot air balloon.”

Me: “THAT would be your hell? You know, old people do that for recreation.”

Mike: “No steering? No control over where you’re going?”

Me: “What are you talking about?! You can steer a hot air balloon!”

Mike: “No, you can’t. You can just go higher or lower.”

Me: “But what about those sand bags?”

Mike: “??????”

Me: “Those sand bags that hang on the side of the balloon and you move them around to go in different directions!”

Mike: “Meredith, what the HELL are you talking about.”

Me: “………….Don’t they use those?”

Mike: “No.”

Me: “………..Am I thinking of a Mickey Mouse cartoon?………….I might be thinking of a Mickey Mouse cartoon.”

(silence)

Me: “So wait, how do they get around? They just float all willy-nilly?”

Mike: “That’s what I’m saying!!”

Me: “NAH….that can’t be right. People don’t just go into a basket tied to a balloon and hope for the best, do they? ‘Hey honey, going on a hot air balloon ride, might be home in an hour, might be home in three days.'”

Mike: “Pretty much.”

(I begin furiously googling)

Me: “AH! NOPE! WAIT — it says that pilots have a few tools at their disposal to direct the balloon. Like……..weather reports. And wind.”

Mike: “Dude, if you told me that counted as steering, and we were in a bar, and you were a guy, I would punch you in the face.”

Me: “Like you would be in a bar arguing about hot air balloons……….well, no actually I can totally see you doing that.”

Preschooler trivia! Can you take the heat?

Jul 30, 2012

Image via sxc

I have decided that I am going to start a parenting class. There will be a whole series, covering the usual stuff — birth, sleep, sadness, regret, etc. Then, in the final class, when everybody thinks they’ve got this shit on lock-down and they are ready to go, that’s when I prepare them for the toughest challenge of parenting a young child. It’s time to play “Questions From A Preschooler”, motherfuckers! OH YEAH! And you thought you were bad, huh? Now who wants to give me advice on how to get my kid to sleep?! That’s what I THOUGHT.

It will be an oral exam, and we will do it while driving on the highway, with me in the backseat asking the questions at a pitch and intensity typically seen only when evacuating a nursing home during a fire.

Here are the test questions. Are you ready? Doesn’t matter. Here we go:

1. What is a chicken enchilada called? And also, what is a chicken?

2. What is this cut on my finger called?

3. Why?

4. Why?

5. Why?

6. When is next week?

7. So, the day after tomorrow?

8. Two days after tomorrow?

9. I am going to say the days of the week. Stop me when I get to next week. Ok?

10. Where do socks come from?

11. Can I have a gronlong?

12. No — a GRON-long. Can I have a GRON-long?

13. A GRONLONG! GRONLONG GRONLONG GRONLONG!!!!!!

14. Did you know that the word “right” has the word “right” in it?

15. When you die, will you still be my mommy/daddy?

16. I’ve decided I don’t want to wear pants when we get to the mall. Convince me otherwise.

17. Good job. I shall wear pants. But I won’t go to the mall.

18. Mall or pants. Your call. YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH.

19. What does that word “sexy” mean?

20. Excellent. I have some more questions for you about your penis/vagina, but I will wait to ask those at Pizza Hut.

Underpants: The haikus.

Jul 25, 2012

We were at the park the other day and came across a pair of underpants on the ground by the men’s room. So I wrote a haiku.

Lonely underpants

Abandoned by the men’s room

What is your story?

****************

And then I was strangely inspired, and wrote some more.

Boy shorts at the store

Wish you were comfortable

Lost in saddlebags

******************

Beige full-coverage

In a Vic’s Secret package

Makes a sad husband

*******************

Stay-at-home mother

Good-bye to thong underwear

Undies expected

*******************

Husband, let them go

Your boxers, they beg for death

And scream in my dreams

********************

Hey I just met you

And this is crazy but I’m

Commando in cords

********************

My least favorite word

In the whole world is “panties”

Fave: “beaver cozy”

 

 

I invented a new game: Garage Scavenger Hunt. Let’s play!

Jul 18, 2012

Here is how it works. Go into your garage, and look for the items on my list. Total up your points.

The only rule? NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

1. Toilet(s). 50 points per toilet

2. Potty chair.  75 points

2a. Is there a drop of blood on it? 100 points

2b. Is that blood from your child? 150 points  (I SAID NO QUESTIONS!!!!!!!)

3. Gallons upon gallons of paint and primer. 3 points per gallon

3a. Are any of them the following colors: American Cheese, Grandma’s Sweater, or Kitten Whiskers? Add 50 points

4. Road Atlas from the 1990s. 100 points

4a. Plan to keep it for another few years, just in case the zombie apocalypse comes and all the computers are wiped out and you need a general road guide to pick up Danny Trejo for your cross country rampage? Add 5000 points

5. Trophies:

5a. From sporting events? 25 points each

5b. From murders? 50 points each

6. Rock climbing shoes, but no one has rock climbed in at least 10 years. 50 points

6a. Dusty treadmill? 100 points

6b. Thigh Master? 500 points

7. Empty box of waffles. 25 points

7a. Chicken and waffles? Add 25 points

7b. Chicken and Pound Cake? Add 100 points

8. Scary, large spider. 5 points

8a. That spider’s name is Pete. 5000 points

8b. Pete is lactose-intolerant. 500,000 points

9. Box of CDs you are too ashamed to keep in the house? 5 points

9a. Is one of them Slayer? Add 10 points

9b.  Is one of them Bon Jovi, “Slippery When Wet?” A fist bump and 500 points

9c. Tupac? 550 points

9d. Tupac…….on TAPE? 10,000 points

10. Furniture you have been trying to get rid of. 100 points per piece of crap

10a. It’s been on Craigslist at least 3 times. No luck. 150 points each

10b. It has sold on Craigslist 3 times, but keeps breaking through windows and lumbering across town to return to the sanctuary that is your garage.  350 points each

11. Dead dog in home-made coffin. 1,000,000,000 points

SPOILER ALERT: I WILL ALWAYS WIN THIS GAME.

(it’s still there, people…….still there)

***********************************************************************************************************************

By the way (completely unrelated) I’d like to give a big shout out to the world’s smallest continent/largest island, Australia, which has been checking out my site almost as much as my own country. Which leads me to ask two questions:

1. WTF USA?

2. Why, exactly, do Australians kick so much ass? (wink wink — I’m looking at you, you gorgeous beasts)

Pile of SkyMall.

Jul 13, 2012

As I said yesterday, I had to make this its own separate post. I could not stop, you guys.

While on my travels, I peeked into a SkyMall magazine. I ended up bringing it home because it was so fantastic. I could have had hundreds of picks, but at some point you just have to PUT. IT. AWAY. Go visit their website if you have an hour to kill — you will not be disappointed. Here are some of my favorite items, which I helpfully separated into four different categories:

1. You lazy son of a bitch.

2. I am totally getting one.

3. No. For real. Give me your credit card. Someone must save you from yourself.

4. Potent potables.

YOU LAZY SON OF A BITCH.

1. “Kritter Kondo Outdoor Playpen”

Hey there. WALK YOUR FUCKING DOG.

2. “Blow Dryer Stand”

No. You must hold your own blow dryer. Honestly, why are we even having this conversation?

3. “Bed Made EZ”

If you need to jack up your mattress in order to make your bed, you should really re-examine your bed-making technique.

4. “EZ Egg Cracker & Separator”

GREAT idea. Maybe after you’re done fake walking your dog, putting your blow dryer on a stick, and jacking up your mattress, you can make an omelet with your egg cracker. Because you are SO MUCH SMARTER THAN THE REST OF US.

I  AM TOTALLY GETTING ONE.

1. “Somawave Helmet”

Holy fuckballs. I don’t think I can come up with anything funnier than SkyMall’s actual description of this product.

“Melt away stress and tension. Enter a state of euphoria. It’s like having thousands of tiny fingers stimulate your scalp! [THOUSANDS OF TINY FINGERS, Y’ALL. SLEEP WELL.]

Disconnect from the world you know. Release stress and tension from your every-day life. Euphoria is only moments away. Slip on our state of the art, scientifically designed SomaWave Helmet and feel your stress dissolve into the ultimate relaxation experience.

Take the SomaWave Helmet anywhere you go. Use it at your desk [YES], on your commute [FUCK YES], or the while you relax in front of TV [BOO]. It’s easy to use and portable with a built in rechargeable battery. Caution: Do not wear while operating heavy machinery [DOUBLE BOO].The SomaWave Helmet’s euphoria inducing waves may produce sleep or trance-like states of consciousness.”

I am going to buy this and wear it on the bus. Because I haven’t been tased by the Seattle Police Department yet, and I’d like to go down screaming, “IT’S LIKE THOUSANDS OF TINY FING –”

2. “Therapeutic Foot Pillows”

Don’t even act like you don’t want these. No one is immune to the draw of plaid foot pillows.

3. “Freedom’s Pride Eagle”

Oh hell yes. There is no bad place to hang this. NONE. I might suspend it from the ceiling at just slightly lower than head clearance so that visitors are constantly getting smacked in the face by freedom. CAW CAW!

4. “Box of Applause Or Laughter”

After every rejection letter, I will wrap myself in a blanket and get out my box of laughter. “You think I’m funny, right, Box of Laughter?” (open lid, guffaws and giggles come out) “Yeah…..that’s right. I’m funny……”

5. “Hellenistic Wrestlers Statue”

What.

What.

6. “‘Bath’ Framed Art”

And, of course, the fourth bathroom R: Release.

NO. FOR REAL. GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD. SOMEONE MUST SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELF.

1. “Emergency Triage Lights”

According to SkyMall, here is why these are a super good idea: “In an emergency situation that threatens lives, this patented illumination technology swiftly relays critical information to emergency responders through highly-visible and enduring beams of light. Survivors are identified by flashing signals (Red — Child, Green — Woman, Blue — Man, Yellow — Pet). Easily recognized by emergency responders, the device directs them to help your family.”

So the next time you go for a family walk during a tornado, don’t forget to wear your Corpse Colors. And fuck those other idiots who didn’t think to wear their triage lights. Guess who’s getting pulled out of the rubble first, motherfuckers?

2. “Cat Toilet Training System”

I can’t decide what the cat in this picture is saying. Either, “I will be avenged” or “you like to watch…..don’t you?” Regardless, if you have eight weeks to spend toilet-training your cat, then YOU HAVE EIGHT WEEKS TO SPEND TOILET TRAINING YOUR CAT.

Also, I must point out that the description says your cat will be able to use “any human toilet”, which I think is an unkind way to refer to that asshole at work. Also, he doesn’t have time to help you with this nonsense. That’s why everyone hates him. Won’t even help you toilet train your cat by acting as a human toilet. What an asshole.

3. “Arm Exercise Weights”

 “Laura……..look at me. You need to stop wearing these. For one, you look like an idiot. Two, people think you’re The Terminator. And three, you’re getting Popeye-sized forearms. Can’t you just go for a walk or something?”

4. “Portable Infrared Sauna”

I love you — you’re my friend. I would give you a kidney. But I will never, ever, clean out your portable sauna.

5. “David Bonded Marble Statue”

If you buy this, I will only ever stare at his junk. That is the cold, hard truth.

6. “Armadillo Beverage Holder”

“Wouldn’t it be easier to just grab a coaster and — nope. Ok. You prefer the armadillo. Guess I’ll have another……..’Lone Star Light’………..and four peanuts………..um, Jeff? This friendship isn’t working out for me.”

POTENT POTABLES

1. “Bavarian Walking Stick”

I kinda love that this is for sale…….in SKY MALL. No, please, bring your “ax, hammer, and spike — in one” on your next flight. The air marshall needs to stretch his legs.

2. “Gentlemen’s Personal Barber”

Let’s be honest, here, people. Anything called the “Gentlemen’s Personal Barber” is not getting used on a face.

3. “Original Backnobber II”

Finally, a Backnobber you don’t have to wash out of your hair later — am I right, ladies?

4. “Shaving Pedestal”

Because Princess can’t just hike her leg up into the corner of the shower and pray her other leg has enough traction to keep her from dying in the bath tub, like the rest of us bitches.

5. “Hanging Closet Safe”

“Cleverly designed to look like an ordinary black tank top,” says SkyMall. Excellent. What a fantastic method of home security. A tank top??? With ZIPPERS??? Why, it’s completely impenetrable! Only the most savvy two-handed burglar could break into that safe! Actually, one hand and a foot could do it. Or a head. With a stepladder.

6. “Inside Skinny Woman Sign”

HA! It’s funny because you hate yourself!! Get it, you fat ol’ fattie?!! Yeah, you get it you fat motherfucker.

7. “Attic Tent”

Who the hell forgot to zip in Mom? Jesus. Way to go, Barry! Now she’ll just keep coming back. Maybe we should put down some tin foil. She hates that, right?

8. “Iced Dip Bowl Set”

If you entertain enough for this to be a good idea, then you are not me.

9. “Index Cutting Board Set”

If you really wanted to fuck with Sheila, you put her cutting boards out of order.

10. “Micro-Smores”

What the hell, you ask? Let’s ask SkyMall.

“The Micro S’mores cooks in your microwave from the inside out, creating perfect and delicious s’mores every time.

• Domed cover for even microwave energy distribution for the perfect melt
• Auto-Plunger applies just the right amount of pressure to for the perfect S’more
• Micro S’mores Recipe guide with 12 Classic and 12 Holiday recipes for year-round fun”

Even microwave energy distribution. Auto-plunger. Recipe book. FOR S’MORES.

This is why we have directions on shampoo bottles, folks. Because of Micro-S’mores.

The new way my children like to torture me.

Jun 27, 2012

These fucking kids.

It’s called “The Yawning Game.” It started when I told them that when one person yawns it makes other people want to yawn. Now, those little fuckers are using it against me. This is what happens when you give children knowledge.

If we go on a car ride, after a while there will be an exaggerated yawn from the back seat “YAAAAAAAAAAWN. I’m so tired.” And then the other one. “YAAAAAAAAAAAAWN. Me too.” And then they just sit there, giggling, because they know I can’t fight it. And the first few times it’s cute. We’re all cracking up, everybody is smiling. But by the 5th or 6th yawn in a row it gets a little irritating.

I start to say things like, “Ok guys that (yawn) that’s enough now.”

And they’re all “YAAAAAAAAAWN.”

And I’m all, “Guys, really I (yawn) mean it. That’s enough.”

“YAAAAAAAAAWN.”

“Dang it! (yawn) Guys I am really starting to get irritated (yawn) now!”

You know how you can scratch that one part of a dog’s stomach and it will start scratching itself with it’s back leg? And it’s really funny the first time but a half hour into it the dog has scratched itself bloody and now you’re guilty of animal cruelty? It’s like that.

And did I mention that Mike thinks it is completely hysterical? Oh yeah. He’s no help at all. Well, he can go help the kids yawn-rape people in hell. Because that is exactly the kind of horseshit they do there.

Nothing but rainbows in this house.

Jun 20, 2012

So…………my daughter was looking through the photos on my phone the other day, when she came across this one I took of a painting:

And what did she ask me?

“Is that a picture of your DEAD DAD?”

Like I just keep a picture of his corpse on my iPhone. “This is the kids at the beach……..and this is the kids at Halloween……..and this is my father’s dead body………..what? Is it that baby next to his corpse that’s weirding you out? I know. But they were like, ‘Oh can we have a picture of our baby with your body?’ And we were like, ‘Uh, I guess.’ And then they were like, ‘Can you put his hand on the crib?’ and we were like, ‘What?’ and they were like, “Aw, come on! It’ll be hysterical!’ and we were like, ‘………HA! You’re right! And then what if we put him in a dress and laid his head on the bed like he’s super tired?!'” And a masterpiece was born.

But seriously, we’ve been talking a lot about death lately and how Grandpa died a long time ago.  It’s been super good times. Maybe we’ll go take a field trip to the local cemetery or watch a little “Terms of Endearment” later. You know, keep it light.

Move over, Wiggles. There’s a new band in town.

Jun 15, 2012

The other day, my kids came up with a name that was so magnificent I wrote it down and saved it, not knowing how or when I would be able to use it.

That day has come. I now realize that it will be the name of the children’s music band I will form when I fall upon hard times, and singing songs like “Penis Penis Vagina Butt” to preschoolers is the only way to support my drug habit.

It’s gonna be super bleak.

But what won’t be bleak is the name of my band. Are you ready?………

Floppy Popcorn.

Learn it. Love it. Hire us for your children’s birthday parties. And pay us with cake.

*********************************************************************************************************************

My Weekly Round Up!

The Politicus: Headline Round Up 6/11/12

Reckless Video: Read my review of Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows

Imperfect Parent: Did you know that every time you click on one of my articles at Minor Topics, an angel gets its wings? And I make about 1/8 of a penny? But, you know, do it for the angels.

ALSO:

I was nominated for the Inspirational Blogger Award by my buddy Samantha over at Life By Photo! Usually I only inspire people to a) finally seek counseling or b) have a bowel movement. So this is really nice! Thanks!

And a big thanks to the hilarious Kathy at Don’t Forget To Feed The Baby, who nominated me for a Reader Appreciation Award!

These really mean a lot to me. I can’t believe that other people like to read the b.s. that I love to write.

Thanks so very very much for reading!! 🙂

If that dog could talk, he’d probably rape you.

Jun 13, 2012

Date night. The night you’re supposed to reconnect with your spouse. The night you talk about who dogs would be if they were people. Or maybe that’s just me and Mike.

We were leaving a restaurant when we walked by a guy with a Bull Terrior. Which got us thinking. And then I got blogging. And it was all downhill from there.

Here are 10 dog breeds, and who they would be if they were people.

1. The Bull Terrior

If the Bull Terrior was a person, he would be the guy lifting weights in the prison yard who would later rape you in the shower.

2. The Afghan Hound

If the Afghan Hound was a person, she would be the 24-year-old your Dad remarried after he left your Mom. Also, she would like you to call her Bethanie.

3. The Basset Hound

If the Basset Hound was a person, he would be that dude that wants you to be prepared for the next Great Depression and asks if you have a six month supply of water in your home for when the sun burns out. Side note: the Basset Hound is my mother.

4. The Boxer

If the boxer were a person, he’d be loud talking at a bar about how much your team sucks and giving you financial advice. Do not take his financial advice.

5. The Cavalier King Charles Spaniel

If the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel was a person, she’d be that friend you love dearly because she’s super sweet but she doesn’t know who the Vice President is and isn’t convinced that Estelle Getty is really dead.

6. The Chinese Crested

If the Chinese Crested were a person, she’d be the lead singer of an all girl group from Japan.

7. The French Bulldog

If the French Bulldog was a person, he would talk little but judge much. By the way, he has never had that particular issue but if he did he’d have a much better way of dealing with it.

8. The Komondor

If the Komondor was a person, he would be that Dad who tries to keep up with his kids at the park even though he may pass out at any second. Often heard saying, “Hey guys!! (pant pant) Wait up!! (pant) Daddy’s coming!!”

9. The Pekinese

If the Pekinese was a person, he’d be that old man in your neighborhood who isn’t totally with it, but he’ll say whatever he wants to because he survived the war, dammit.

10. Xoloitzcuintli

If the Xoloitzcuintli was a person, he would spend a lot of time asking people to just call him Steve.