Nothing but rainbows in this house.

Jun 20, 2012

So…………my daughter was looking through the photos on my phone the other day, when she came across this one I took of a painting:

And what did she ask me?

“Is that a picture of your DEAD DAD?”

Like I just keep a picture of his corpse on my iPhone. “This is the kids at the beach……..and this is the kids at Halloween……..and this is my father’s dead body………..what? Is it that baby next to his corpse that’s weirding you out? I know. But they were like, ‘Oh can we have a picture of our baby with your body?’ And we were like, ‘Uh, I guess.’ And then they were like, ‘Can you put his hand on the crib?’ and we were like, ‘What?’ and they were like, “Aw, come on! It’ll be hysterical!’ and we were like, ‘………HA! You’re right! And then what if we put him in a dress and laid his head on the bed like he’s super tired?!'” And a masterpiece was born.

But seriously, we’ve been talking a lot about death lately and how Grandpa died a long time ago.  It’s been super good times. Maybe we’ll go take a field trip to the local cemetery or watch a little “Terms of Endearment” later. You know, keep it light.

4 Years Old. For Pete’s Sake.

Feb 6, 2012

I hate kids’ birthday parties. Unless I’ve been to your kids’ party, in which case, I mean every party but that one.

I find attending a kids’ party about as relaxing as waiting for test results at the doctor’s office. Not as bad as a biopsy, but more like chlamydia. It’s not going to kill you, but you will experience a mild burning sensation and nausea.

And this is just ATTENDING the party. Just trying to keep my kids from taking off their pants, or eating the birthday girls’ cupcake, or ruining someone else’s furniture, gives me flop sweat. There are new hurdles at birthday parties that there aren’t at typical play dates. There are the birthday child’s relatives, who are not used to your kids and their love affair with the word “penis”. There are cups filled with water and soda, that children are positive they can handle themselves until — oh shit. Hope that couch wasn’t expensive. There is icing. ICING. Which no child in the history of the world has ever figured out works best either inside of one’s mouth or on a napkin. Oops. Well, there’s really no saving that couch now, I guess. And there are new kids that your child has never played with before, who may end up on either the giving or receiving end of an ass whipping with your child. In short, there is a lot to stress a Meredith out.

On Saturday, we had my twins’ 4th birthday party. Their actual birthday is today, so they have a second party at their preschool. If I never see another cupcake, it would be………no, let me choose something else. If I never see another favor bag, it will be too soon. I have opted out of doing favor bags for either party this year. In case you had not noticed, I don’t handle stress well. I am one lollipop and sticker-filled bag away from a breakdown. I will give your child an activity and something to eat. That’s all I got, friends. I’M OUT.

Here we all are! There was a vicious game of shirts versus skins after this.

Their party on Saturday was at a nearby bounce house called the Fun Zone at Arena Sports. This place is awesome because they do EVERYTHING. I mean, everything, as in they provide matches for your candles. It is like Birthday Parties for Dummies. All I needed to do was tell them how many pizzas we needed and my credit card number. My husband and I brought cupcakes from QFC (which were fucking DELICIOUS…….don’t get it twisted) and that was it. It was the most relaxed I have ever felt at a party. Oh, and the kids all had a blast, too. What is it about bouncy houses?! My kids can bounce on the same 5 houses for 2 hours straight!! I don’t get it,but I appreciate it.

And now my babies are 4 years old. F-O-U-R. I remember hearing moms talk about their 4-year-old twins and thinking how OLD that seemed. And now here we are. I think 5 is going to feel older to me. Uhhh………right, dummy. Will it feel, oh I don’t know, a whole year older? And what about 6, Meredith? Will that feel even older than 5? Good grief. But you know what I mean, right? 4 still has a little kid/baby feel to it for me. But 5 is like, mid-life babyhood. Kids go out and buy new Hot Wheels and 5T leather jackets. It’s going to be crazy.

So now I have 4 year olds. And I can’t wait to see what this year will bring. God help me.