Preschooler trivia! Can you take the heat?

Jul 30, 2012

Image via sxc

I have decided that I am going to start a parenting class. There will be a whole series, covering the usual stuff — birth, sleep, sadness, regret, etc. Then, in the final class, when everybody thinks they’ve got this shit on lock-down and they are ready to go, that’s when I prepare them for the toughest challenge of parenting a young child. It’s time to play “Questions From A Preschooler”, motherfuckers! OH YEAH! And you thought you were bad, huh? Now who wants to give me advice on how to get my kid to sleep?! That’s what I THOUGHT.

It will be an oral exam, and we will do it while driving on the highway, with me in the backseat asking the questions at a pitch and intensity typically seen only when evacuating a nursing home during a fire.

Here are the test questions. Are you ready? Doesn’t matter. Here we go:

1. What is a chicken enchilada called? And also, what is a chicken?

2. What is this cut on my finger called?

3. Why?

4. Why?

5. Why?

6. When is next week?

7. So, the day after tomorrow?

8. Two days after tomorrow?

9. I am going to say the days of the week. Stop me when I get to next week. Ok?

10. Where do socks come from?

11. Can I have a gronlong?

12. No — a GRON-long. Can I have a GRON-long?

13. A GRONLONG! GRONLONG GRONLONG GRONLONG!!!!!!

14. Did you know that the word “right” has the word “right” in it?

15. When you die, will you still be my mommy/daddy?

16. I’ve decided I don’t want to wear pants when we get to the mall. Convince me otherwise.

17. Good job. I shall wear pants. But I won’t go to the mall.

18. Mall or pants. Your call. YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH.

19. What does that word “sexy” mean?

20. Excellent. I have some more questions for you about your penis/vagina, but I will wait to ask those at Pizza Hut.

What parenting means to me……

Jun 22, 2012

• Knowing the difference between clean and “clean” and that either is acceptable. Most of the time. Or all of the time, as long as you keep it on the DL.

• Stepping on something wet and not even looking back. Because stopping means cleaning and I have to space that shit out.

• Wiping someone’s butt and then going right back to your sandwich. Because if I washed my hands every time they touched something disgusting I’d be like those people with OCD who can never get the germs off.

• Being stumped when asked what the word “dumb” means. Or “Thursday”. Or “chicken”.

• Saying, “This afternoon we got ice cream and then went to the pool.” And having that mean, “This afternoon I almost stabbed myself with a waffle cone and then strangled myself with a set of water wings.”

• Being madly in love with someone you can’t wait to get some time away from.

• Giving up on ____________ (whatever you put here, that answer is correct).

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My weekly round up!

The Politicus: Headline Round Up 6/18/12

The Yellow Ham: Dear Goodwill Donation Guidelines

Imperfect Parent: Did you know that every time you click on one of my articles at Minor Topics, an angel gets its wings? And I make about 1/8 of a penny? But, you know, do it for the angels.

Reckless Video: You can read my review of Project X below! We had technical difficulties and couldn’t get it on their site this week. Spoiler alert: it sucked.

Project X

Last night, I watched Project X. After the movie finished, my husband innocently poked his head into the room and asked me how it was. I unleashed a torrent of words on him that was so full of rage and hate that he said, “Maybe you shouldn’t write the review tonight.” He was right.

Project X was produced by Todd Phillips, who also produced The Hangover. It is the story of three unpopular, privileged teenage boys who decide to throw the party of the year for Thomas’s (the lead) 17^th birthday party. The boys swear for the sake of swearing and call themselves “ballers” – which, when you’re wearing an argyle sweater vest, does indeed take some balls. So far, though, no surprises. This movie has been done before. One thing that the film did do differently was to use the “found footage” style of filming, á la Paranormal Activity.Project X also tried to be more extreme and more offensive than the other versions of this story line we have seen. They succeeded. They also made a movie that made me wish for a school shooting.

There is no way I can explain how much I hated this movie. From start to finish, it was awful and offensive. And not a funny kind of offensive like in The Hangover or Superbad, which at least had the benefit of some clever writing and humor, not to mention a few likeable characters. Project X lacks all of that. This is a movie tailor-made for young men between the ages of 12 and 22. But not just any young men – mean, uncaring young men.

One of my main complaints about Project X is that it hates women. This is one of the most blatantly misogynistic movies I have seen in a long time. No young woman should be forced to see this movie. All of the girls in this film are objectified and treated like property to be used for one purpose only. They are all beautiful, and all stupid. For example – in one scene, the boys put a sign up by the pool that says “Naked Girls Only”. The girls look at it, shrug, and oblige. One of the boys says, “I can’t believe that sign worked!!” Neither can I. And earlier, when the film-maker asks a high school boy what his hopes are for the party, he says, “Get high, fuck bitches.” And that is the tone of the movie. Two girls together, two girls with one guy, girls fighting over what would generously be called “moderately attractive” boys – the girls/props are there to fulfill adolescent fantasies while saying as little as possible.

Women aren’t the only ones who get used as meaningless props in this movie. There is a Little Person – an adult man – who is at the party for no reason whatsoever except to make fun of the notion of him as a sexual being, and to stuff him in an oven for laughs. I am not kidding. And if you’re a dog lover, you’re also in for a treat as the party-goers get Thomas’s dog high and otherwise abuse him.

Adults don’t fare any better as they are all bumbling fools who admire the kids and are intimidated by them. Even the police are too scared of these high schoolers to go in and shut down the party. And Thomas’s father ends up PROUD of his son after the party because it means he’s not a “loser”. Nice. Excellent. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go curl up in a ball in the corner of my couch.

Project X had a few opportunities to have some substance, but passed on all of them. There were a couple of times in the film where I started to say, “Ok……so here’s where someone learns something!” That is, until the next frame, where I said, “Oh……..never mind.” The boys – who destroy not only Thomas’s home but his entire block – learn nothing. Sure, in the end there is talk of charges being brought, bankruptcy, and college funds lost – but all in the context of, “no matter what happens, that was a great party.” Oh. Well, then………..yay?

Here are some movies you should watch instead of Project X: The Hangover, Superbad, Old School, Dazed and Confused, Risky Business, American Pie, Teen Wolf, Teen Wolf Too, your grandmother’s vacation slides from Boca Raton, the wedding video of that guy you went to high school with, a youtube video of a boil being lanced, the options are endless. Just don’t subject yourself to Project X. Unlike everyone else in the film, you won’t respect yourself in the morning.

4 Years Old. For Pete’s Sake.

Feb 6, 2012

I hate kids’ birthday parties. Unless I’ve been to your kids’ party, in which case, I mean every party but that one.

I find attending a kids’ party about as relaxing as waiting for test results at the doctor’s office. Not as bad as a biopsy, but more like chlamydia. It’s not going to kill you, but you will experience a mild burning sensation and nausea.

And this is just ATTENDING the party. Just trying to keep my kids from taking off their pants, or eating the birthday girls’ cupcake, or ruining someone else’s furniture, gives me flop sweat. There are new hurdles at birthday parties that there aren’t at typical play dates. There are the birthday child’s relatives, who are not used to your kids and their love affair with the word “penis”. There are cups filled with water and soda, that children are positive they can handle themselves until — oh shit. Hope that couch wasn’t expensive. There is icing. ICING. Which no child in the history of the world has ever figured out works best either inside of one’s mouth or on a napkin. Oops. Well, there’s really no saving that couch now, I guess. And there are new kids that your child has never played with before, who may end up on either the giving or receiving end of an ass whipping with your child. In short, there is a lot to stress a Meredith out.

On Saturday, we had my twins’ 4th birthday party. Their actual birthday is today, so they have a second party at their preschool. If I never see another cupcake, it would be………no, let me choose something else. If I never see another favor bag, it will be too soon. I have opted out of doing favor bags for either party this year. In case you had not noticed, I don’t handle stress well. I am one lollipop and sticker-filled bag away from a breakdown. I will give your child an activity and something to eat. That’s all I got, friends. I’M OUT.

Here we all are! There was a vicious game of shirts versus skins after this.

Their party on Saturday was at a nearby bounce house called the Fun Zone at Arena Sports. This place is awesome because they do EVERYTHING. I mean, everything, as in they provide matches for your candles. It is like Birthday Parties for Dummies. All I needed to do was tell them how many pizzas we needed and my credit card number. My husband and I brought cupcakes from QFC (which were fucking DELICIOUS…….don’t get it twisted) and that was it. It was the most relaxed I have ever felt at a party. Oh, and the kids all had a blast, too. What is it about bouncy houses?! My kids can bounce on the same 5 houses for 2 hours straight!! I don’t get it,but I appreciate it.

And now my babies are 4 years old. F-O-U-R. I remember hearing moms talk about their 4-year-old twins and thinking how OLD that seemed. And now here we are. I think 5 is going to feel older to me. Uhhh………right, dummy. Will it feel, oh I don’t know, a whole year older? And what about 6, Meredith? Will that feel even older than 5? Good grief. But you know what I mean, right? 4 still has a little kid/baby feel to it for me. But 5 is like, mid-life babyhood. Kids go out and buy new Hot Wheels and 5T leather jackets. It’s going to be crazy.

So now I have 4 year olds. And I can’t wait to see what this year will bring. God help me.