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I have decided that I am going to start a parenting class. There will be a whole series, covering the usual stuff — birth, sleep, sadness, regret, etc. Then, in the final class, when everybody thinks they’ve got this shit on lock-down and they are ready to go, that’s when I prepare them for the toughest challenge of parenting a young child. It’s time to play “Questions From A Preschooler”, motherfuckers! OH YEAH! And you thought you were bad, huh? Now who wants to give me advice on how to get my kid to sleep?! That’s what I THOUGHT.
It will be an oral exam, and we will do it while driving on the highway, with me in the backseat asking the questions at a pitch and intensity typically seen only when evacuating a nursing home during a fire.
Here are the test questions. Are you ready? Doesn’t matter. Here we go:
1. What is a chicken enchilada called? And also, what is a chicken?
2. What is this cut on my finger called?
3. Why?
4. Why?
5. Why?
6. When is next week?
7. So, the day after tomorrow?
8. Two days after tomorrow?
9. I am going to say the days of the week. Stop me when I get to next week. Ok?
10. Where do socks come from?
11. Can I have a gronlong?
12. No — a GRON-long. Can I have a GRON-long?
13. A GRONLONG! GRONLONG GRONLONG GRONLONG!!!!!!
14. Did you know that the word “right” has the word “right” in it?
15. When you die, will you still be my mommy/daddy?
16. I’ve decided I don’t want to wear pants when we get to the mall. Convince me otherwise.
17. Good job. I shall wear pants. But I won’t go to the mall.
18. Mall or pants. Your call. YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH.
19. What does that word “sexy” mean?
20. Excellent. I have some more questions for you about your penis/vagina, but I will wait to ask those at Pizza Hut.
Pile of Babies 
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