Craft Wars — the best show on TV involving Tori Spelling and crafters.

Aug 6, 2012

This is my new favorite show, you guys. Mike and I just stumbled upon it the other night while channel surfing. It’s Tori Spelling and crazy crafters, in a fight to the death! Ok, not a fight to the death. But Tori + crazies + crafting competition? Bring me an ice cold diet coke, honey. I am in for the duration.

I thought I would go ahead and take you through the episode Mike and I watched so that you can see how very, very important it is that we all watch this show.

The episode we watched was called “Alter or Falter”. A pregnant Tori Spelling hosts, and there is, of course, a judge’s table of “crafting experts”.

So……..these guys. And Princess Spelling.

“Welcome to the ultimate arena for crafting,” Tori says, which you hope means daggers and crossbows but really just means the entire inventory of Michael’s. I call bullshit. It cannot be called a crafting “arena” unless people are going to be thrown in a room with nothing but their wits and their hot glue guns to protect them. I want to see these bitches sharpening spoons against concrete walls and making poisons out of the native plants. That is a Craft War I could get behind.

But it is not to be. So………..let’s craft!

There are two rounds of competition. The first is the Pop Craft Challenge, where the crafters make a popular crafting item in one hour with a specific item.

The Pop Craft Challenge today? The Keepsake Box. You mean that bin from Lowe’s that has all my photo albums dumped in it? No? Oh, so then the garbage bag with random pictures and letters that I will leave behind for my children to take to the dump when I’m dead? No. Huh. Then I am not familiar with said, “Keepsake Box”. What will these ladies be making?

Tori tells them they have to make these boxes out of “something we all have laying around ” — extra locks and keys. And out comes two wheelbarrows full of locks, keys, and chains. Really? Cuz,not so much in my house, Spelling.

“Hey honey? Can you grab me a lock and key out of the punishment closet? Thanks!”

And away we go! Let’s see what they came up with!

Esther made a sandcastle.

I’m a sand castle.

The second crafter, “Krafty Kathy” was my favorite. This was in no small part due to the fact that there is a clip of Kathy saying, very seriously, “I feel really good about my box.” And that’s what we all want, isn’t it gals?

Krafty Kathy (she has a t-shirt that says it and everything) made a tooth fairy box to store teeth in. Now, my children have not lost their baby teeth yet, but I can say with a fair amount of confidence that I will not be storing their teeth in some kind of shadow box to watch them yellow and rot. Some things don’t need to be saved, y’all. Ok? And especially not in a box that looks like an in-bred tooth who carries a cross and thinks it’s a princess. But every family is different, right?

Holy fuckballs, people.

And then there was Andrea. Sweet, sweet Andrea, who said that making her Gnome’s House was “the most stressful thing I have ever done in my life.” The Most Stressful Thing. Ever. Was doing Craft Wars. With Tori Spelling. My, what a charmed fucking life we lead, huh, Andrea?

For storing your gnomes. When you open the lid, you can hear their screams.

The judges deliberate, and Kathy and her serial killer tooth keeper’s box get cut. Sad times for Meredith. But the show must go on.

So Esther and Andrea move on to the second round — The Master Craft Challenge. They have to make something for a wedding using old baby blankets, new invitations, borrowed candlesticks, and blue jeans. Get it? DO YOU GET IT?!!

Andrea decided to make a wishing tree. What the fuckity fuck is a wishing tree? Well, it’s where guests leave notes for the happy couple. Let me tell you right now what would be on Mike’s note: a cock and balls. The man will draw a cock and balls at any opportunity. Got some play-doh? You’re getting a cock and balls. Sidewalk chalk? How about a cock and balls? And I’m not much better. I don’t know that I could resist the anonymity of a wishing tree to be a total smart ass. What I’m saying is, don’t let us two idiots near your wishing tree.

Here is Andrea’s wishing tree.

Esther made a photo booth.

And Meredith learned garlands are crafter crack. Holy dangle, dude! I have to say, I have seen some gorgeous garlands before, but I  am just not a fan. I don’t like to combine walking with getting smacked in the face.

And the judges. Hand to god, one of them praised the fact that Andrea used the hole punch correctly. The hole punch is like the paper towel of the crafting world. As in, “congratulations on your skillful use of the paper towel. You really looked like you knew what you were doing.” And that must have been what put her over the top because she won.

And I’m pretty sure poor Esther hung herself from her garlands with a hole punch stuffed in her mouth.

(Was that too much? That might be too much…….Oh god, I hope I don’t get an e-mail from someone whose dad died from choking on a hole punch.)

That is NOT how Mickey did it.

Aug 1, 2012

Mike and I were watching TV when this commercial came on involving a hot air balloon. And I learned that I am, in fact, kind of an idiot.

Mike: “That would be my own special hell. Being in a hot air balloon.”

Me: “THAT would be your hell? You know, old people do that for recreation.”

Mike: “No steering? No control over where you’re going?”

Me: “What are you talking about?! You can steer a hot air balloon!”

Mike: “No, you can’t. You can just go higher or lower.”

Me: “But what about those sand bags?”

Mike: “??????”

Me: “Those sand bags that hang on the side of the balloon and you move them around to go in different directions!”

Mike: “Meredith, what the HELL are you talking about.”

Me: “………….Don’t they use those?”

Mike: “No.”

Me: “………..Am I thinking of a Mickey Mouse cartoon?………….I might be thinking of a Mickey Mouse cartoon.”

(silence)

Me: “So wait, how do they get around? They just float all willy-nilly?”

Mike: “That’s what I’m saying!!”

Me: “NAH….that can’t be right. People don’t just go into a basket tied to a balloon and hope for the best, do they? ‘Hey honey, going on a hot air balloon ride, might be home in an hour, might be home in three days.'”

Mike: “Pretty much.”

(I begin furiously googling)

Me: “AH! NOPE! WAIT — it says that pilots have a few tools at their disposal to direct the balloon. Like……..weather reports. And wind.”

Mike: “Dude, if you told me that counted as steering, and we were in a bar, and you were a guy, I would punch you in the face.”

Me: “Like you would be in a bar arguing about hot air balloons……….well, no actually I can totally see you doing that.”

There’s a reason I’m not in customer service

Jul 23, 2012

So, in case you haven’t heard, Washington state recently started selling hard liquor in grocery stores. At first, the people rejoiced. Then they realized it was going to cost them more money, and they were saddened.

I don’t much care either way, since I don’t like the taste of alcohol and only drink when I am planning on getting good and drunk. It’s called “binge drinking”, kids.

The other day Mike was at the grocery store, and came across a guy in the liquor section being a total turd to the employees there. Apparently he was giving them the old huff n’ puff because every time he came to the store, they were out of his favorite kind of vodka. Mike said it was some fancy brand, like “Grey Goose”, or “Bacon Vodka” (this is real…..I believe  it is pronounced, “Bay-CONE”).

Anyway, this guy was being an ass. I told Mike that it was because of people like that guy that I could not last in customer service jobs. I hate me an asshole and have a hard time kissing said assholes on their stretched-to-capacity asshole containers. I was a barista for a few years, and lets just say it provided me with a rich and violent fantasy life. If the dude who got angry and splashed a cup of milk on me is out there, I have a message for you:

SOON.

Getting back to our liquor store schmuck. Mike came up with what would have been the best way to deal with the Vodka Baron, which I shall re-create for you here.

**********

Vodka Baron: “Where is my vodka?! Every time I come here you are out of my favorite vodka! I’m angry and didn’t get enough hugs as a child!” (note: artistic license) 

Employee #1: “I am so sorry, sir. Let me go in the back and get that one bottle we set aside just for you.”

Employee #1 goes to the back. Stays there for at least 20 minutes. Comes back out with a new name tag.

Employee #2: “Hello, sir! How can I help you today?”

Vodka Baron: “You said about half an hour ago that you were going to go get me a bottle of my vodka!”

Employee #2: “I’m sorry, sir? Oh, you must mean Steve! Steve is kind of an idiot. Never listen to Steve.”

Vodka Baron: “What the — YOU’RE STEVE!!”

Employee #2: “No sir, my name is Kevin. What can I do for you?”

Vodka Baron: “I want to speak to a manager. IMMEDIATELY.”

Employee #2: “Yes, sir. Let me go get him for you.”

Employee #1/2 goes to the back. Changes into a polo shirt and khakis. Puts on a new name tag.

Manager: “Hello sir, I’m the manager. How can I help you?”

Vodka Baron: “……..You are fucking crazy. I’m leaving. You’ll hear from my lawyer.”

Manager: “Oh, would you like to speak to our lawyer? Rick’s in the back if you want me to get him.”

Vodka Baron: “Fuck you.”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene.

Pile of SkyMall.

Jul 13, 2012

As I said yesterday, I had to make this its own separate post. I could not stop, you guys.

While on my travels, I peeked into a SkyMall magazine. I ended up bringing it home because it was so fantastic. I could have had hundreds of picks, but at some point you just have to PUT. IT. AWAY. Go visit their website if you have an hour to kill — you will not be disappointed. Here are some of my favorite items, which I helpfully separated into four different categories:

1. You lazy son of a bitch.

2. I am totally getting one.

3. No. For real. Give me your credit card. Someone must save you from yourself.

4. Potent potables.

YOU LAZY SON OF A BITCH.

1. “Kritter Kondo Outdoor Playpen”

Hey there. WALK YOUR FUCKING DOG.

2. “Blow Dryer Stand”

No. You must hold your own blow dryer. Honestly, why are we even having this conversation?

3. “Bed Made EZ”

If you need to jack up your mattress in order to make your bed, you should really re-examine your bed-making technique.

4. “EZ Egg Cracker & Separator”

GREAT idea. Maybe after you’re done fake walking your dog, putting your blow dryer on a stick, and jacking up your mattress, you can make an omelet with your egg cracker. Because you are SO MUCH SMARTER THAN THE REST OF US.

I  AM TOTALLY GETTING ONE.

1. “Somawave Helmet”

Holy fuckballs. I don’t think I can come up with anything funnier than SkyMall’s actual description of this product.

“Melt away stress and tension. Enter a state of euphoria. It’s like having thousands of tiny fingers stimulate your scalp! [THOUSANDS OF TINY FINGERS, Y’ALL. SLEEP WELL.]

Disconnect from the world you know. Release stress and tension from your every-day life. Euphoria is only moments away. Slip on our state of the art, scientifically designed SomaWave Helmet and feel your stress dissolve into the ultimate relaxation experience.

Take the SomaWave Helmet anywhere you go. Use it at your desk [YES], on your commute [FUCK YES], or the while you relax in front of TV [BOO]. It’s easy to use and portable with a built in rechargeable battery. Caution: Do not wear while operating heavy machinery [DOUBLE BOO].The SomaWave Helmet’s euphoria inducing waves may produce sleep or trance-like states of consciousness.”

I am going to buy this and wear it on the bus. Because I haven’t been tased by the Seattle Police Department yet, and I’d like to go down screaming, “IT’S LIKE THOUSANDS OF TINY FING –”

2. “Therapeutic Foot Pillows”

Don’t even act like you don’t want these. No one is immune to the draw of plaid foot pillows.

3. “Freedom’s Pride Eagle”

Oh hell yes. There is no bad place to hang this. NONE. I might suspend it from the ceiling at just slightly lower than head clearance so that visitors are constantly getting smacked in the face by freedom. CAW CAW!

4. “Box of Applause Or Laughter”

After every rejection letter, I will wrap myself in a blanket and get out my box of laughter. “You think I’m funny, right, Box of Laughter?” (open lid, guffaws and giggles come out) “Yeah…..that’s right. I’m funny……”

5. “Hellenistic Wrestlers Statue”

What.

What.

6. “‘Bath’ Framed Art”

And, of course, the fourth bathroom R: Release.

NO. FOR REAL. GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD. SOMEONE MUST SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELF.

1. “Emergency Triage Lights”

According to SkyMall, here is why these are a super good idea: “In an emergency situation that threatens lives, this patented illumination technology swiftly relays critical information to emergency responders through highly-visible and enduring beams of light. Survivors are identified by flashing signals (Red — Child, Green — Woman, Blue — Man, Yellow — Pet). Easily recognized by emergency responders, the device directs them to help your family.”

So the next time you go for a family walk during a tornado, don’t forget to wear your Corpse Colors. And fuck those other idiots who didn’t think to wear their triage lights. Guess who’s getting pulled out of the rubble first, motherfuckers?

2. “Cat Toilet Training System”

I can’t decide what the cat in this picture is saying. Either, “I will be avenged” or “you like to watch…..don’t you?” Regardless, if you have eight weeks to spend toilet-training your cat, then YOU HAVE EIGHT WEEKS TO SPEND TOILET TRAINING YOUR CAT.

Also, I must point out that the description says your cat will be able to use “any human toilet”, which I think is an unkind way to refer to that asshole at work. Also, he doesn’t have time to help you with this nonsense. That’s why everyone hates him. Won’t even help you toilet train your cat by acting as a human toilet. What an asshole.

3. “Arm Exercise Weights”

 “Laura……..look at me. You need to stop wearing these. For one, you look like an idiot. Two, people think you’re The Terminator. And three, you’re getting Popeye-sized forearms. Can’t you just go for a walk or something?”

4. “Portable Infrared Sauna”

I love you — you’re my friend. I would give you a kidney. But I will never, ever, clean out your portable sauna.

5. “David Bonded Marble Statue”

If you buy this, I will only ever stare at his junk. That is the cold, hard truth.

6. “Armadillo Beverage Holder”

“Wouldn’t it be easier to just grab a coaster and — nope. Ok. You prefer the armadillo. Guess I’ll have another……..’Lone Star Light’………..and four peanuts………..um, Jeff? This friendship isn’t working out for me.”

POTENT POTABLES

1. “Bavarian Walking Stick”

I kinda love that this is for sale…….in SKY MALL. No, please, bring your “ax, hammer, and spike — in one” on your next flight. The air marshall needs to stretch his legs.

2. “Gentlemen’s Personal Barber”

Let’s be honest, here, people. Anything called the “Gentlemen’s Personal Barber” is not getting used on a face.

3. “Original Backnobber II”

Finally, a Backnobber you don’t have to wash out of your hair later — am I right, ladies?

4. “Shaving Pedestal”

Because Princess can’t just hike her leg up into the corner of the shower and pray her other leg has enough traction to keep her from dying in the bath tub, like the rest of us bitches.

5. “Hanging Closet Safe”

“Cleverly designed to look like an ordinary black tank top,” says SkyMall. Excellent. What a fantastic method of home security. A tank top??? With ZIPPERS??? Why, it’s completely impenetrable! Only the most savvy two-handed burglar could break into that safe! Actually, one hand and a foot could do it. Or a head. With a stepladder.

6. “Inside Skinny Woman Sign”

HA! It’s funny because you hate yourself!! Get it, you fat ol’ fattie?!! Yeah, you get it you fat motherfucker.

7. “Attic Tent”

Who the hell forgot to zip in Mom? Jesus. Way to go, Barry! Now she’ll just keep coming back. Maybe we should put down some tin foil. She hates that, right?

8. “Iced Dip Bowl Set”

If you entertain enough for this to be a good idea, then you are not me.

9. “Index Cutting Board Set”

If you really wanted to fuck with Sheila, you put her cutting boards out of order.

10. “Micro-Smores”

What the hell, you ask? Let’s ask SkyMall.

“The Micro S’mores cooks in your microwave from the inside out, creating perfect and delicious s’mores every time.

• Domed cover for even microwave energy distribution for the perfect melt
• Auto-Plunger applies just the right amount of pressure to for the perfect S’more
• Micro S’mores Recipe guide with 12 Classic and 12 Holiday recipes for year-round fun”

Even microwave energy distribution. Auto-plunger. Recipe book. FOR S’MORES.

This is why we have directions on shampoo bottles, folks. Because of Micro-S’mores.

I’m back! Hello, 70-something degrees, I missed you terribly.

Jul 12, 2012

Hello everyone!

Back from my trip to visit Grandma and the Aunts down in North Carolina! We had a great time. Had a lot of new INDOOR experiences. Because in North Carolina, last week was either a) 105 degrees and humid as hell or b) raining like crazy with lightning and thunder. Not a lot of time spent at the park, let’s just say.

The kids were rock stars on the plane, as always. I actually thought we might get through this trip airport-incident free. I am an idiot. We met Daddy at baggage claim, who was looking very, very cute — a week without his family was good to the man — got our suitcases and car seats, and started heading out. BY THE WAY — my suitcase was the FIRST one that came out and our car seats were numbers 4 and 5. I am telling you guys, that is the kind of shit I LIVE for. I almost started the wave but the other passengers were not cooperative. Haters.

So we get our stuff and start heading out of the airport via the Up escalator, when my daughter (I think I need to start using “blog aliases” for my kids. If you have suggestions, let me know) decided she was going to stop walking. Yup. Had enough. All done. No more walking. My son and I were already halfway up the escalator when she made this decision, so she and Mike were stuck at the bottom. My boy freaked the fuck out, turned around, and started trying to run down the Up escalator while screaming “DADDY!!!!! I LOVE YOU, DADDY!!!”  We may have caused a scene as I tried to drag one child off the escalator and Mike tried to push the other on. Good times.

Sometimes my life is like one of those overly dramatic “Not Without My Daughter” type movies. I am played by Ashley Judd (she gives good crazy), Mike is played by Liam Neeson, and our kids are named “Merciless” and “Fucking Nuts” (two first names, like Sarah Jessica Parker).

I was not planning on posting today, but I was working on tomorrow’s post about the national treasure that is Sky Mall magazine and I decided that it deserved its own, separate post. So that one is coming tomorrow.

Good to be home!

Why do I hate heat? Let me count one way.

Jul 5, 2012

I hate the heat. HATE HATE HATE HATE it. I can’t stand being hot and sweaty and helpless to do anything about it. At least if it’s cold you can keep adding layers. When it’s hot, you can’t take enough off. You can get naked, but then all you’ll be is naked, in jail, and oddly proud. Because who gets naked at a golf course?! THIS GUY.

Avoiding heat is a good part of the reason why I live in Seattle. I grew up in Brooklyn, NY (I have plans for a perfume line called “Steamy Subway” — comes in both “Fragrant Urine” and “Homeless Pants” scents……. e-mail me if you want in), then lived for almost a decade in Iowa and Kansas (in terms of heat levels across the country, I call the Midwest “the Devil’s taint”), till I moved to glorious Seattle.

Oh, Seattle. Where it goes from “pretty cold” to “pretty warm” and rarely outside of that. We were meant to be, me and Seattle.

And then my mom and sister moved to North Carolina. Because I love them, I take the kids out to visit once a year. Right now, we are on Day 2 of our annual visit.

“But wait,” you say, concerned, “Isn’t there a horrible heat wave going on out there?” Oh yeah. There is. And after just one day of ri-fucking-diculous heat, I have come to better understand just one of the many horrible aspects of living in 104 degree heat:

Jean smell.

Let’s talk about jeans and 99-degree weather, for a moment. They do not mix. I don’t care who you are. What I realized yesterday is that, in addition to the obnoxious feeling of wet denim, the SMELL of hot weather jeans is something one should strive mightily to avoid. It smells exactly like a chlorinated swimming pool. Is that just chicks? Guys, you tell me — what do your hot weather jeans smell like? I am going with a chlorinated swimming pools full of balls.

I am predicting a lot of walking shorts (they are the full-figured mom’s summer friend) and air conditioning on this trip. Today we went to the Planetarium. Tomorrow we are going to hit a museum. Because what children need during the summer is to be locked up indoors with a cool artificial breeze. I am convinced this is the reason Chili’s still exists.

War of the Crows-es.

Jun 25, 2012

We have a lot of crows out here in Seattle. I see them EVERYWHERE. And since my house is in an area where there used to be an orchard, there are a lot of fruit trees in the neighborhood. So they are all up in my shit constantly.

I have a love/hate relationship with crows. On the one hand, they are nature’s trash cans. Which I love for the convenience. If the kids drop a piece of food in the driveway, I can leave it there and know that when we return from our outing, it will be gone. And I get to tell myself I fed a hungry animal. The win is all mine.

But I have had a few run ins with crows lately that have left both sides embarrassed and angry. It’s become kind of a “thing” now…….it’s all very awkward. In particular — I hate to point fingers — but the crows at the Magnolia playground appear to have some sort of gang initiation going on, because they are VERY aggressive. Indeed, their kung fu is strong.

Now, I have never said I am a reasonable, grown up person. And the fact that I have a personal vendetta against crows (who, by the way, are VERY intelligent so…….you know…….it’s not like I’m picking on the slow kid, here) should tell you that.

Bring your A-game, bitches.

I have been to the Magnolia playground twice. Once was a year or two ago, when the kids were still in diapers. I had my big ol’ diaper bag filled with diapers and wipes and creams and snacks and water. And I threw a protein bar in the outside pocket, which was a pretty smooth move for me since I usually forget to bring anything for myself and then end up starving and left with NO OTHER CHOICE but to eat the kids’ fruit snacks. Or those chocolate-covered granola bars that the kids wanted at Target and I knew that if I was stuck in the woods for a week…….or on I-5 for 20 minutes…..I would also enjoy.

So that first time at the playground I was a naive fool. I left my diaper bag with my protein bar sticking out of the outside pocket over on the other side of the playground while I pushed my kids on the swings. Well, if I didn’t look up to see one of those son of a bitch crows jump on my bag, claw open the pocket, and fly away with my protein bar!

Oh I was pissed. Didn’t say, “Ah well, to the victor goes the spoils. Well played, crow.” No no. I walked over there, fueled by low blood sugar and the feeling that I had been grievously violated. I said, “Alright! If that’s how you’re going to behave then NOBODY gets the protein bar!!” Shooed the crows away, and threw the protein bar in the trash. IN THE TRASH, PEOPLE. Petty? Perhaps. Taught those crows a lesson? Definitely no. Served my sense of justice? ABSOLUTELY.

So the other day the kids and I went back to the Magnolia playground. And let me tell you, I carried our shit EVERYWHERE. I would sit on a bench, put the bag beneath my legs, and toss my jacket over the top. Those fuckers were going to have kill me AND eat though some Eddie Bauer before they got these snacks. But I did watch them get another woman’s sandwich. She must have been new, and unlearned in the ways of the Magnolia Murder (that’s the name of their gang, obviously). I would have helped her, but I knew the second I walked away from my bag I was going to be down a bag of grapes.

It’s every man for himself on the playground, son.

By the way, did you know that crows are able to construct and use tools? Yeah. They can. Oh, and my pal Meg recently informed me that they can recognize people’s faces. So, I’ll go ahead and add that to the nightmare.

First, I take your crackers. Next, your children.

The next time you have to fight a cat………

Jun 6, 2012

If you haven’t beat the shit out of a cat before — which is good, I frown on that — I am sure you have at least wanted to choke the shit out of one. And while I would never condone starting a fight with a cat, sometimes the battle is brought to you.

How do you defend yourself? I mean, cats can be fucking vicious. Have you seen this video before?

That is not an animal that responds well to reason. That is an animal that responds to a blow dart.

The other day, the amazing woman who cuts my hair (hi Hannah!) and I were talking about evil cats. Just terrible, awful bitches who are smart and mean. She owns one. Hannah has friends…….people who love and care about her….who refuse to go over to her house and feed her cat when she is on vacation. They’re like, “I love you, Hannah, but your pet can go fuck itself.”

I encountered an evil cat many years ago when Mike and I spent the weekend at his boss’s vacation home. This cat was obviously mentally ill. We were warned to “watch out for it” when we arrived. Apparently, it would straight up attack you — from above or below, so you never knew where to look. The cat was staying downstairs, and I was TERRIFIED of it. People would be like, “Hey Meredith, could you run downstairs and grab — ” and I’d be like, “Nope.”

No shit, people.

So Hannah and I designed the ultimate cat fighting outfit. Here are the essential pieces.

1. Bee Keepers Helmet

From Beekeepingstarterkit.com. This one is called “The Excelsior.”

2. Hip Waders

Heads up — DO NOT let the cat get inside your waders. Or what was a source of comfort will quickly become a misery coffin.

3. Nike Pro Combat VIS Elbow Sleeve

I am not even fucking around, cats.

4. Street Guard Gloves with Kevlar, available from Cops Plus.

Also excellent murdering gloves, should things take a turn for the worse.

5. Broom

This is key, people. Brooms have been the weapon of choice against cats for ages.

That’s it, folks. And you aren’t going to find this information anywhere else. I tried searching for “protection from cats” and all I got was links to protection FOR cats. Thanks, Google. Way to take sides.

And if you search for “cat fight gear” you get something completely different. And let me tell you this — unless you’re in the minor leagues fighting a toothless, declawed cat with a good disposition, those tank tops and short shorts aren’t going to do shit.

The internet doesn’t want you to win your cat fight. But I have looked in the furry face of evil. It’s real, and it’s bitey.

Passive Aggressive Road Rage

Jun 4, 2012

I am going to have myself a rant, here. It’s going to be suuuuuuuuuper boring. If you don’t enjoy self-indulgent whining, then I recommend you bid me good day. But I drive a lot, and I have a lot of rage. So there you have it. And here I go.

I am not a particularly aggressive driver. If by aggressive you mean chasing people down the freeway with a loaded firearm.  I am a little more contained in my rage. There’s a lot of swearing under my breath, earnest questions asked out loud of other drivers, and passive aggressive driving. Because that’s what grown ups who are also cowards do.

Here are the five moves that cause me the most rage.

1. Late mergers

When it comes to traffic, I was broken a long time ago. There’s no winning that war. I also have a highly developed sense of fairness (or, what some might call, “judginess”) that combined fill me with fury at the late merger. Those are the folks that come blasting up from the other lane to merge in at the very end. Well, I say no. NO, I SAY! I will TOUCH THE BACK BUMPER of the car in front of me before I give you any space to come in.

I am the judge and jury of this merge, and I sentence you to NO!

Not on my watch, late merger.

10-4 that’s a big “screw you” little buddy. Over.

2. Cutting around the side of traffic at a light in case someone is making a left even if you don’t actually see any left hand turn signals. Because there are none.

You have gambled poorly, friend. That smell you caught when you passed my car? That was RESENTMENT. And Goldfish. And Goldfish steeped in resentment.

We resent you.

3. Turning one lane into two.

Hold my earrings, people. This makes me totally fucking bananas. It is one lane. ONE LANE! Just because there is enough room for you to squeeze past me on the right does not make this a two lane road, motherfucker. I will now box you out and pretend I don’t see you. And I will feel self-righteous about it and I will do it in the name of justice.

So…..this happened.

4. Not turning on your left turn signal until you get up to the intersection, thereby preventing me from going around you.

Oh man. OH MAN. I don’t…………you know what? No. I can’t even talk to you right now.

5.  Sitting through a light because you are checking your goddamn email.

I once sat behind a chick through TWO LIGHT CYCLES because she was in her car looking at her phone. If you’re going to check your email while driving, do it on the freeway when there is no one waiting behind you. Like a normal person.

Siri — tell me when to use my brakes.

Mike engages in a battle of wills with himself, and loses.

Jun 1, 2012

One night as we were getting ready for bed, I learned that I won an argument I did not know I was in.

Mike: (tossing a container of toothpaste down on the sink) Ok. I give. WHEN are you going to buy more toothpaste?!!

Me: Huh?

Mike: (holding up the mangled, empty toothpaste) THIS Meredith. How long can we keep going on THIS? I kept thinking I was going to win, that there was no way you would have the patience for this. I just kept squeezing a little more toothpaste out every day thinking that when it was your turn you were going to give up and buy new toothpaste. But I have had it!

Me: Honey, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Mike: The…..uh…….the toothpaste?

Me: I have my own toothpaste, you idiot.

Mike: Oh……….oh. So I’ve been fighting with myself over toothpaste this whole time?

Me: Dude. Are you kidding me? You thought I was part of an imaginary toothpaste battle?

Mike: ………….

Me: ……………..

Mike: …………So can you buy me some more toothpaste next time you’re at the store?

War is hell, y’all.

**MY WEEKLY WRAP-UP***

The Politicus: Headline Round Up; John Edwards jury finds him guilty — of Dreaminess.

Imperfect Parent: Did you know that every time you click on one of my articles at Minor Topics, an angel gets its wings? And I make about 1/8 of a penny? But, you know, do it for the angels.

Reckless Video: Starting on Tuesday, 6/5, you will be able to read my movie reviews at Reckless Video!! They read my review of Super Shark and said, “Now HERE is a lady that knows cinema!” No, they didn’t. But it’s going to be awesome.