Passive Aggressive Road Rage

Jun 4, 2012

I am going to have myself a rant, here. It’s going to be suuuuuuuuuper boring. If you don’t enjoy self-indulgent whining, then I recommend you bid me good day. But I drive a lot, and I have a lot of rage. So there you have it. And here I go.

I am not a particularly aggressive driver. If by aggressive you mean chasing people down the freeway with a loaded firearm.  I am a little more contained in my rage. There’s a lot of swearing under my breath, earnest questions asked out loud of other drivers, and passive aggressive driving. Because that’s what grown ups who are also cowards do.

Here are the five moves that cause me the most rage.

1. Late mergers

When it comes to traffic, I was broken a long time ago. There’s no winning that war. I also have a highly developed sense of fairness (or, what some might call, “judginess”) that combined fill me with fury at the late merger. Those are the folks that come blasting up from the other lane to merge in at the very end. Well, I say no. NO, I SAY! I will TOUCH THE BACK BUMPER of the car in front of me before I give you any space to come in.

I am the judge and jury of this merge, and I sentence you to NO!

Not on my watch, late merger.

10-4 that’s a big “screw you” little buddy. Over.

2. Cutting around the side of traffic at a light in case someone is making a left even if you don’t actually see any left hand turn signals. Because there are none.

You have gambled poorly, friend. That smell you caught when you passed my car? That was RESENTMENT. And Goldfish. And Goldfish steeped in resentment.

We resent you.

3. Turning one lane into two.

Hold my earrings, people. This makes me totally fucking bananas. It is one lane. ONE LANE! Just because there is enough room for you to squeeze past me on the right does not make this a two lane road, motherfucker. I will now box you out and pretend I don’t see you. And I will feel self-righteous about it and I will do it in the name of justice.

So…..this happened.

4. Not turning on your left turn signal until you get up to the intersection, thereby preventing me from going around you.

Oh man. OH MAN. I don’t…………you know what? No. I can’t even talk to you right now.

5.  Sitting through a light because you are checking your goddamn email.

I once sat behind a chick through TWO LIGHT CYCLES because she was in her car looking at her phone. If you’re going to check your email while driving, do it on the freeway when there is no one waiting behind you. Like a normal person.

Siri — tell me when to use my brakes.