If you haven’t beat the shit out of a cat before — which is good, I frown on that — I am sure you have at least wanted to choke the shit out of one. And while I would never condone starting a fight with a cat, sometimes the battle is brought to you.
How do you defend yourself? I mean, cats can be fucking vicious. Have you seen this video before?
That is not an animal that responds well to reason. That is an animal that responds to a blow dart.
The other day, the amazing woman who cuts my hair (hi Hannah!) and I were talking about evil cats. Just terrible, awful bitches who are smart and mean. She owns one. Hannah has friends…….people who love and care about her….who refuse to go over to her house and feed her cat when she is on vacation. They’re like, “I love you, Hannah, but your pet can go fuck itself.”
I encountered an evil cat many years ago when Mike and I spent the weekend at his boss’s vacation home. This cat was obviously mentally ill. We were warned to “watch out for it” when we arrived. Apparently, it would straight up attack you — from above or below, so you never knew where to look. The cat was staying downstairs, and I was TERRIFIED of it. People would be like, “Hey Meredith, could you run downstairs and grab — ” and I’d be like, “Nope.”
No shit, people.
So Hannah and I designed the ultimate cat fighting outfit. Here are the essential pieces.
1. Bee Keepers Helmet
From Beekeepingstarterkit.com. This one is called “The Excelsior.”
2. Hip Waders
Heads up — DO NOT let the cat get inside your waders. Or what was a source of comfort will quickly become a misery coffin.
3. Nike Pro Combat VIS Elbow Sleeve
I am not even fucking around, cats.
4. Street Guard Gloves with Kevlar, available from Cops Plus.
Also excellent murdering gloves, should things take a turn for the worse.
5. Broom
This is key, people. Brooms have been the weapon of choice against cats for ages.
That’s it, folks. And you aren’t going to find this information anywhere else. I tried searching for “protection from cats” and all I got was links to protection FOR cats. Thanks, Google. Way to take sides.
And if you search for “cat fight gear” you get something completely different. And let me tell you this — unless you’re in the minor leagues fighting a toothless, declawed cat with a good disposition, those tank tops and short shorts aren’t going to do shit.
The internet doesn’t want you to win your cat fight. But I have looked in the furry face of evil. It’s real, and it’s bitey.
Pile of Babies 
I find the entire outfit necessary. maybe I will gift my vet. m
Ask Elthea about my bad Ariel Cat. She was crazy mean and freaky fast. My friends would fight over who didn’t have to take care of her.
lol. To funny. I don’t think I have met one of those particular cats but I did have a cat once and I had a staring contest with it and sadly failed and I only failed because the damn cat decided to swat at my face. I guess it didn’t like being stared at.. Either way I will NEVER have a staring contest with a cat again.. lol
My kids and I loved this. THANK YOU. Followed you here from Scary Mommy. LOVE finding new peeps via scary mommy.
Thanks, man!!!
BTW, still laughing at “pet of the week.”
I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. Thank you! This is hilarious!
Nice. It means a lot because I have read your blog for a while and love it!!
LMAO at the cat fighting suit!!! I was recently attacked by a deranged kitten at my mom’s house. My mom took the kitten’s side… “He just wants his mama, he’s a little spooked.” Well, I convinced myself on my drive home that I had probably contracted Cat Scratch Fever and would most likely be in intensive care by the end of the week, so now I was a little spooked. It’s been over a week, the puncture (fang) wounds are almost healed & I will be staying away from my mom’s front porch where the evil kitten resides unless I’m geared up in the cat fighting suit.
Oh my god……..”deranged kitten” made me laugh till I cried. Get yourself a helmet immediately!!