The next time you have to fight a cat………

Jun 6, 2012

If you haven’t beat the shit out of a cat before — which is good, I frown on that — I am sure you have at least wanted to choke the shit out of one. And while I would never condone starting a fight with a cat, sometimes the battle is brought to you.

How do you defend yourself? I mean, cats can be fucking vicious. Have you seen this video before?

That is not an animal that responds well to reason. That is an animal that responds to a blow dart.

The other day, the amazing woman who cuts my hair (hi Hannah!) and I were talking about evil cats. Just terrible, awful bitches who are smart and mean. She owns one. Hannah has friends…….people who love and care about her….who refuse to go over to her house and feed her cat when she is on vacation. They’re like, “I love you, Hannah, but your pet can go fuck itself.”

I encountered an evil cat many years ago when Mike and I spent the weekend at his boss’s vacation home. This cat was obviously mentally ill. We were warned to “watch out for it” when we arrived. Apparently, it would straight up attack you — from above or below, so you never knew where to look. The cat was staying downstairs, and I was TERRIFIED of it. People would be like, “Hey Meredith, could you run downstairs and grab — ” and I’d be like, “Nope.”

No shit, people.

So Hannah and I designed the ultimate cat fighting outfit. Here are the essential pieces.

1. Bee Keepers Helmet

From Beekeepingstarterkit.com. This one is called “The Excelsior.”

2. Hip Waders

Heads up — DO NOT let the cat get inside your waders. Or what was a source of comfort will quickly become a misery coffin.

3. Nike Pro Combat VIS Elbow Sleeve

I am not even fucking around, cats.

4. Street Guard Gloves with Kevlar, available from Cops Plus.

Also excellent murdering gloves, should things take a turn for the worse.

5. Broom

This is key, people. Brooms have been the weapon of choice against cats for ages.

That’s it, folks. And you aren’t going to find this information anywhere else. I tried searching for “protection from cats” and all I got was links to protection FOR cats. Thanks, Google. Way to take sides.

And if you search for “cat fight gear” you get something completely different. And let me tell you this — unless you’re in the minor leagues fighting a toothless, declawed cat with a good disposition, those tank tops and short shorts aren’t going to do shit.

The internet doesn’t want you to win your cat fight. But I have looked in the furry face of evil. It’s real, and it’s bitey.

My cat is an asshole.

Feb 11, 2012

I have two cats. Two fat, old, yet surprisingly healthy cats. And I love them. I loved them more before I had kids, but I do still love them. One is sweet and stupid. The other is grumpy and stupid. And the grumpy/stupid one has been a total asshole lately.

Why, kitty? Why? Can’t you give me a couple of inches to the right?

Or how about this asshole move?

I swear to god, cat.  I SWEAR TO GOD. Mike has been offering to take a shovel to you for years. I’d go ahead and settle the fuck down.

And then there is this, which I find just bitchy………..

6:35pm: I clean the litter box.

6:36pm:

No. You know what? Fuck YOU cat. “Hey, nice job you did there cleaning up the shitter! Now if you don’t mind, I am going to go ahead and immediately drop a big ol’ deuce. I’ve been holding it for hours waiting for this very moment.”

You’re lucky you are so deliciously fluffy, little cat. You wouldn’t last one second out on your own. I’ve seen you run away from things before, and “running away” means jogging just out of arm’s reach and then sitting down to take some deep breaths and check your heart rate monitor. You’d get swooped up by a hawk (a strong and deeply motivated hawk) in no time flat. And you know what, dummy? You wouldn’t even have the sense to be scared. You’d be carried away thinking, “Hey you guys………I think I’m flying………”

So stay fluffy, cat. Stay fluffy.