As I said yesterday, I had to make this its own separate post. I could not stop, you guys.
While on my travels, I peeked into a SkyMall magazine. I ended up bringing it home because it was so fantastic. I could have had hundreds of picks, but at some point you just have to PUT. IT. AWAY. Go visit their website if you have an hour to kill — you will not be disappointed. Here are some of my favorite items, which I helpfully separated into four different categories:
1. You lazy son of a bitch.
2. I am totally getting one.
3. No. For real. Give me your credit card. Someone must save you from yourself.
4. Potent potables.
YOU LAZY SON OF A BITCH.
1. “Kritter Kondo Outdoor Playpen”
Hey there. WALK YOUR FUCKING DOG.
2. “Blow Dryer Stand”
No. You must hold your own blow dryer. Honestly, why are we even having this conversation?
3. “Bed Made EZ”
If you need to jack up your mattress in order to make your bed, you should really re-examine your bed-making technique.
4. “EZ Egg Cracker & Separator”
GREAT idea. Maybe after you’re done fake walking your dog, putting your blow dryer on a stick, and jacking up your mattress, you can make an omelet with your egg cracker. Because you are SO MUCH SMARTER THAN THE REST OF US.
I AM TOTALLY GETTING ONE.
1. “Somawave Helmet”
Holy fuckballs. I don’t think I can come up with anything funnier than SkyMall’s actual description of this product.
“Melt away stress and tension. Enter a state of euphoria. It’s like having thousands of tiny fingers stimulate your scalp! [THOUSANDS OF TINY FINGERS, Y’ALL. SLEEP WELL.]
Disconnect from the world you know. Release stress and tension from your every-day life. Euphoria is only moments away. Slip on our state of the art, scientifically designed SomaWave Helmet and feel your stress dissolve into the ultimate relaxation experience.
Take the SomaWave Helmet anywhere you go. Use it at your desk [YES], on your commute [FUCK YES], or the while you relax in front of TV [BOO]. It’s easy to use and portable with a built in rechargeable battery. Caution: Do not wear while operating heavy machinery [DOUBLE BOO].The SomaWave Helmet’s euphoria inducing waves may produce sleep or trance-like states of consciousness.”
I am going to buy this and wear it on the bus. Because I haven’t been tased by the Seattle Police Department yet, and I’d like to go down screaming, “IT’S LIKE THOUSANDS OF TINY FING –”
2. “Therapeutic Foot Pillows”
Don’t even act like you don’t want these. No one is immune to the draw of plaid foot pillows.
3. “Freedom’s Pride Eagle”
Oh hell yes. There is no bad place to hang this. NONE. I might suspend it from the ceiling at just slightly lower than head clearance so that visitors are constantly getting smacked in the face by freedom. CAW CAW!
4. “Box of Applause Or Laughter”
After every rejection letter, I will wrap myself in a blanket and get out my box of laughter. “You think I’m funny, right, Box of Laughter?” (open lid, guffaws and giggles come out) “Yeah…..that’s right. I’m funny……”
5. “Hellenistic Wrestlers Statue”
What.
What.
6. “‘Bath’ Framed Art”
And, of course, the fourth bathroom R: Release.
NO. FOR REAL. GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD. SOMEONE MUST SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELF.
1. “Emergency Triage Lights”
According to SkyMall, here is why these are a super good idea: “In an emergency situation that threatens lives, this patented illumination technology swiftly relays critical information to emergency responders through highly-visible and enduring beams of light. Survivors are identified by flashing signals (Red — Child, Green — Woman, Blue — Man, Yellow — Pet). Easily recognized by emergency responders, the device directs them to help your family.”
So the next time you go for a family walk during a tornado, don’t forget to wear your Corpse Colors. And fuck those other idiots who didn’t think to wear their triage lights. Guess who’s getting pulled out of the rubble first, motherfuckers?
2. “Cat Toilet Training System”
I can’t decide what the cat in this picture is saying. Either, “I will be avenged” or “you like to watch…..don’t you?” Regardless, if you have eight weeks to spend toilet-training your cat, then YOU HAVE EIGHT WEEKS TO SPEND TOILET TRAINING YOUR CAT.
Also, I must point out that the description says your cat will be able to use “any human toilet”, which I think is an unkind way to refer to that asshole at work. Also, he doesn’t have time to help you with this nonsense. That’s why everyone hates him. Won’t even help you toilet train your cat by acting as a human toilet. What an asshole.
3. “Arm Exercise Weights”
“Laura……..look at me. You need to stop wearing these. For one, you look like an idiot. Two, people think you’re The Terminator. And three, you’re getting Popeye-sized forearms. Can’t you just go for a walk or something?”
4. “Portable Infrared Sauna”
I love you — you’re my friend. I would give you a kidney. But I will never, ever, clean out your portable sauna.
5. “David Bonded Marble Statue”
If you buy this, I will only ever stare at his junk. That is the cold, hard truth.
6. “Armadillo Beverage Holder”
“Wouldn’t it be easier to just grab a coaster and — nope. Ok. You prefer the armadillo. Guess I’ll have another……..’Lone Star Light’………..and four peanuts………..um, Jeff? This friendship isn’t working out for me.”
POTENT POTABLES
1. “Bavarian Walking Stick”
I kinda love that this is for sale…….in SKY MALL. No, please, bring your “ax, hammer, and spike — in one” on your next flight. The air marshall needs to stretch his legs.
2. “Gentlemen’s Personal Barber”
Let’s be honest, here, people. Anything called the “Gentlemen’s Personal Barber” is not getting used on a face.
3. “Original Backnobber II”
Finally, a Backnobber you don’t have to wash out of your hair later — am I right, ladies?
4. “Shaving Pedestal”
Because Princess can’t just hike her leg up into the corner of the shower and pray her other leg has enough traction to keep her from dying in the bath tub, like the rest of us bitches.
5. “Hanging Closet Safe”
“Cleverly designed to look like an ordinary black tank top,” says SkyMall. Excellent. What a fantastic method of home security. A tank top??? With ZIPPERS??? Why, it’s completely impenetrable! Only the most savvy two-handed burglar could break into that safe! Actually, one hand and a foot could do it. Or a head. With a stepladder.
6. “Inside Skinny Woman Sign”
HA! It’s funny because you hate yourself!! Get it, you fat ol’ fattie?!! Yeah, you get it you fat motherfucker.
7. “Attic Tent”
Who the hell forgot to zip in Mom? Jesus. Way to go, Barry! Now she’ll just keep coming back. Maybe we should put down some tin foil. She hates that, right?
8. “Iced Dip Bowl Set”
If you entertain enough for this to be a good idea, then you are not me.
9. “Index Cutting Board Set”
If you really wanted to fuck with Sheila, you put her cutting boards out of order.
10. “Micro-Smores”
What the hell, you ask? Let’s ask SkyMall.
“The Micro S’mores cooks in your microwave from the inside out, creating perfect and delicious s’mores every time.
- Domed cover for even microwave energy distribution for the perfect melt
- Auto-Plunger applies just the right amount of pressure to for the perfect S’more
- Micro S’mores Recipe guide with 12 Classic and 12 Holiday recipes for year-round fun”
Even microwave energy distribution. Auto-plunger. Recipe book. FOR S’MORES.
This is why we have directions on shampoo bottles, folks. Because of Micro-S’mores.
Pile of Babies 